The great funbag debate: breast reduction

So you go to your GP because your back’s been fucking you over for a while now. He/she examines you and they give you the news:

“You need a breast reduction.”

Now there are two ways you can approach this scenario: 1) Ignore the doctor, continue to suffer in silence or ruin everybody’s fucking day with your pissing and moaning, eventually resulting in permanent damage to your spinal cord rendering you a hunchbacked near-invalid with a painkiller addiction… But no worries! The memories of all those men rubbing their faces in your Gargantuan cleavage like the disgusting pug in Turner & Hooch saying Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-itski! warm you at night as your at home nurse tucks you in and puts on your sleep apnea oxygen mask.

…Or swallow your pride, go home, tell your boyfriend/husband/baby daddy what the good doc said and that you will be seeking out a plastic surgeon. If he’s a good guy he’ll take your hand, say he’ll always love you and think you’re beautiful, then bite his lip, go to a dive, tie 10 on and sob to his boys that his favorite chew toys will be retiring. Then he’ll stumble back to his place, pass out and wake up with a fucker of a hangover, but when he next sees you pain-free and face aglow, he’ll know it’ll all be good.

But if he’s a bad guy he’ll take your hand, and say: “Let’s get a second opinion.” Or maybe he’ll pull out the last sex video you uploaded and say how much he’ll miss that. Better yet, he’ll suggest a new diet to take some of the fat off your breasts (as well as your ass for good measure), maybe some exercises or go bra shopping that will have better back support.

Just to let you ladies know: MEN DO NOT HAVE BREASTS! THEY CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS THEY REALLY ARE! AND THEY’RE NOT HELPING YOU, ONLY THEMSELVES!!!

Unless they’re 600 lbs. and that’s whole other rant…

What is I’m trying to say is dickwads and dumb hos, large breasts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. When I said to Kaye that as soon as I fall into some insurance or make some money my 38 DDDs will be a single C and lifted. She threw a fit and said how wrong I was. And this is a woman who was born with lower back scoliosis under her 42 DDDs and her petite mother is in the F-range whose GP has told her she desperately needs a reduction. But getting dick is more important than having a healthy body. That says a lot about their self-esteem.

Kaye’s boyfriend also refuses to use rubbers, and she can’t use hormonal birth control anymore. Know why? The estrogen is enlarging her lymph nodes, so her breasts are getting too big for her bras… and she worships Victoria’s Secret push-ups.

My chest udders grew out of control because of genetics (Dad’s mom was huge) and my relationship with food. I’ve been a vegetarian for two years on a strict low-cal diet, and have lost weight. But I have a bread addiction, and am an emotional eater- when I’m depressed or pissed I eat. So I yo-yo. I’ve been like this all my life, so I suspect that there’s not only a psychological reason for this. I think I have PCOS #mce_temp_url# and I suspect other female members of my mother’s family do too.

Usually women find out that they have this bullfuck when they’re trying to get knocked up. Infertility/difficulty conceiving is a major indicator, but since I’m childfree and NOT trying to get knocked up, I fit into the other categories. Getting tested requires having to find a specialist, and you have a battery of tests to submit to- all of which will suck moolah out of your ass and your insurance may be bitchy and refuse to cover you.

The point is I will be getting my reduction with pride. I’m doing all the research and am happy that I’m not the only chick under 30 who has been fucked in the ass with unbearable, saggy tatas, and want to be free of half of them. I’ll support all you chicks who may or may not be getting much loving from your loved ones about it, because they’re our bodies and we know what’s best for them!

So fuck all you chauvinistic asswipes! Just to let you know I’m a size queen who likes ’em big n’ circumcised! Can’t handle it? Oh well…

Advertisements

One thought on “The great funbag debate: breast reduction

  1. You go, girl! I used to have huge bangers (and was once about 235 lbs), and whittled my 5’6″-self down to an underweight state, with bones sticking out, and was still … a “C”. A very saggy “C”. At an average weight: an “F”-cup. “F”-36. As in “what. the. fuck.” Finally, after many years of debating, I had mine done at the end of March, 2005. I was 30. The Easter Bunny brought me smaller tits, in a perfect-“C”. The surgeon removed 5 lbs of boobage!

    Regardless of whether a woman loses a pile of weight (which I obviously had), one can lose fat, but NOT tissue. (and forget taking the fucking Pill. HUGE chi-chi’s! IUD’s are the way to go — whether a woman’s had a baby or not.)

    I’ve put on some weight since then, and am a “D” right now. No big deal. It’ll come off with a bit of effort. I yo-yo too, so don’t feel bad.

    As for surgery, I live in Vancouver, BC. Our socialized medical system covered 100% of it (because it was necessary) … AND, I lucked-out, having the surgery done in a private, cosmetic surgical center! Totally covered!

    If/when you get your girls done, hopefully the surgeon will us the new “lollipop” incision (up the middle, around the nipple). Less scarring, unlike the old anchor incisions. Oh, and invest in Dermatrix silicone gel, for after incisions have completely healed.

    From one former Boobzilla to another: do what’s best for YOU, not your man!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s