Sharpay and the microwave guys…

Now I have something to bitch about and laugh about. Well the bitching is the better deal of the two,  so we’ll do that first.

Okay, I have a question, is Sharpay Evans a person or a concept? Now as a writer I know that characters are ultimately literary tools (but in Stefenie Meyer’s world they’re her children and personal avatar), but unless your intent is to break the fourth wall (which is often used in comedy) you might want to consider backing off a bit when it comes to stereotyping and parody.

Now way back in ’05 Disney execs sat around their L.A. offices at the height of the real estate boom with scads of cash to blow and lots of time to pay back their sick low-interest loans (we all know what happened two years later). Now they knew that the butt boys in NBC were tooling around with a reality show proposal that would (hopefully) translate into capital injections for Broadway known as Grease: You’re The One That I Want! since it had been suffering from a rash of unending flops (Sunset Boulevard, Lennon, Taboo, Good Vibrations, The Will Rogers Follies, and Carrie to name a few). So why not return to the classics- it worked for Cabaret and 42nd Street!

Now Disney too had been suffering under the strain of failure since they opted to go the way of producing assed-out sequels and prequels of their classic animated hits and really bad live-actions that include a slew of rank remakes. But musicals… there might be an ember of marketability somewhere in that pile of ashen shit. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, the Step Up trilogy, the Center Stage duology, and You Got Served were nothing but a shopping cart full of turd bags on fire and critical foibles. But the target audience of  late-teens to early twenty-somethings were all wrong because all they were thinking of was who was going to get thrown off Survivor, lining up for American Asshole auditions, and uploading onto that new thing called YouTube. But the 11 to 16 demographic was getting fucked over.

Sure they had Drake and Josh and The Suite Life, but Hannah Montana, her brother’s band, the Jonas Dicks, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez were a couple years off.  So in ’05 Disney got this ginzo named Barsocchini who started off as a music journalist, then became a Merv Griffin Show producer, who wrote the stinker Drop Zone, that made his millions penning the script of HSM for his 12-year-old daughter Gabriella, whose friends share the same names as the title characters. Romeo and Juliet meets Grease meets West Side Story wrapped in a crack-cocaine laced spool of Bubble Tape. Did you know that Drew Seeley’s voice was blended with Zac Efron’s in the first film because Disney felt his signing wasn’t good enough? Hope that stung fangirls… and fan-Cougars (shudders rack my body at your patheticness).

Now I hate every bit of the franchise- that’s obvious. Want to see a musical? Watch Mary Poppins. Download My Fair Lady or The King and I. Maybe you were lucky enough to see Broadway’s Beauty and the Beast or Miss Saigon, and God knows how many fucking times PBS aired Les Miserables! The point is, THOSE ARE MUSICALS! Not this pile of corporate crap whose intent was to hawk tubes of HSM toothpaste and singing forks that made more money than ticket sales of HSM 3: Senior Year! The stereotyping was so poorly camouflaged that fucking adults were camping it up in HSM cosplays! I mean the white kids, jock, Latina, token blacks, rich blonde bitch, fat girl, wallflower nerd, and closet gay were stereotyping the stereotypes. And I never thought that possible.

Now when it comes to Sharpay Evans, Paris Hilton comes to mind. She’s a brainless, anorexic luxury hotel heiress whose obsession with pink, scrappy little poodles, and homemade porn made her a 21st Century icon. And now comes her Disneyfied, whitewashed parody as a SoCal blonde extensioned Lava Springs princess who graces the public school halls of East High in pink rhinestone studded fetish heels. But get this- she sings! And only her gayer-than-Kenny-Everett lapdog twin Ryan could be more Sharpay than her. The bitch refers to herself in the third person (most of the time), doesn’t want Troy Bolton in the least, and demands her band play an exit theme after she throws a temper tantrum and storms out.

Now out of all that bullfuck the only problem I have with that is, Sharpay is a product and seems to think of herself as only a product which makes her proud. Now that’s funny, but in the long run it’s disturbing. When I was playing with Barbie, watching She-Ra, and went comatose over Labyrinth I tell you, playing pretend is a perfectly normal, healthy thing for kids to do. Unfortunately everyone is encouraged to take up the personas of fictional characters all for the purpose of filling their house up with crappy merchandise. This is something that my parents wouldn’t be thrilled about, and it’s something that has to be seriously addressed by young parents today.

Now onto the good stuff (and the good stuff is short with me).

Go to YouTube and watch Is It a Good Idea to Microwave This? Go right fucking now! Why? Because you know you did shit like this on those long nights in college, blowing your bank  (and parents’) loans procrastinating and doing crazy shit like race rolling chairs down dorm halls, taunting cops out  your windows at 2 a.m., and… blowing shit up in the microwave. Except a New Hampshirite and pair of Bostonians made into a viral video phenomenon.

Jory Caron, Jonny Paula, and Riley McIlwain are a talented trio whose unscripted immature banter (can you believe Jonny’s engaged?) provides the true entertainment that emerged from their curiosity at how baked potato remains look like on the inside of a microwave door as 7-year-olds. You overlook their cooked spaghetti string budget and their fan worship of MythBusters and Time Warp is so obnoxious. And we don’t care, because that’s part of the charm. Jory, Jonny, and Riley aren’t pretending to be big, they are big. And you know they’ll do big things long after the dynamited microwave pieces have been laid to rest.

Oh yeah, the microwave show isn’t the only one on Jonny’s Ideo Productions company. There’s movie reviews, a Riley spinoff, and Jory gets together for some social commentary with a few other pals. I have a challenge for Jory if he should stumble on this rant (that was inspired by a question on Riley’s show). As everybody knows the ginzo wannabe celebs from On The Jersey Shore will be returning for a follow up season ($10k per ep. I heard). Now you might not know MTV was pitching a spin off of OTJS a little further up north with a working title called Massholes.

Now as a proud New Yorker we constantly compete with Boston as the best metro complex on the eastern seaboard. And with the Yankees 27th World Series win we will always be number one. Now as a Mets and Rangers fan, I think that the Yankees have the most insincere, narcissistic team/management structure and fan base, but I proudly wear my Bronx Bombers jersey and logo chain because of the bullfuck Red Sox Curse shit! You have seven World Series titles, that’s something to be proud of. But I have never seen such sports obsessed assholes in my life (and the Bruins, Patriots, and Celtics are in this as well)! So if I’m visiting one of my aunts in Cambridge (I think that’s where my Massachusettsan cousins live) and I’m walking down the street in my Yankees shirt, would you people rape and kill me?

There is a reason why you’re called Massholes- and it’s just not because of your aggressive-defensive driving, unintelligible accent, not-so-special “chow-dah”, lack of nightlife, rich airheads making it financially impossible to live in your “town”, and overall rudeness.

But I really want to give you people the benefit of the doubt. So Jory and company, since you’re from the NE region I would trust you (over the corporations) to produce a special to either dispel, mock, but ultimately examine the “Masshole” culture. Just another crazy thought by yours truly.

See you in the movies! 😉

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