The Apple iPad, or How Steve Jobs Pays for His Crack

Introducing the new Apple iPad! Only $499 dollars (an extra $130 if you want the 128 GB upgrade coming in September)!

I’ve got a question, if you can’t type directly on the iPad (it’s got a keyboard port though), no USB, you have to pay a monthly fee for your WiFi service, the screen will blind you considering you have to have the highest background light setting if you want to read an e-book, and it’s not equipped with Flash, how in the holy mother of ass is it convenient?!

Oh yeah, it’s shiny.

You know this isn’t the first Tablet PC. Remember the Windows XP Tablet? I sure do. In fact I was laughing my ass off at the single blurb it got on the evening news, thinking that while it was so im-fucking-practical it has some nostalgic value, with the system’s light pen harkening back to the epic days of Tron.

A part of me knows I shouldn’t really talk, while you couldn’t pay me to drag that thing around in it’s handy-dandy $20 buck carrying case to listen to Motörhead, I did buy the DSi (the DS XL is nothing but Nintendo masturbation) and got fucked in the ass when I heard that the 3DS will be released in the coming year. I bought it for the camera and the larger screen, which I think are pretty practical, but if the 3DS is all that (and comes in red) I will be adding it to my handheld collection. But I honestly think that in this floundering economy, weak job market, and questionable credit card usage still in full-swing, Jobs just took advantage of his Apple brothel to sell them what’s tantamount to a super-sized iPhone (or iTouch- I honestly don’t know the difference and don’t give a fuck).

Oh yeah, and don’t give me any shit about hating the Kindle, Nook (isn’t that a binky brand name?), or whatever the fuck e-reader you use! They are also impractical (you’ll just delete the book after blowing $10 bucks on it because you’ll need the space), put people out of jobs in the printing industry (or outsource said jobs to human rights hell China), strain your eyes, give yourself headaches (have you ever stared at a PC screen for hours just to read a 100-odd page .pdf file- I have), and run the high risk of DLing a virus on firmware that isn’t the best.

Think about it people, all that glows behind high gloss plastic isn’t gold.

UPDATE!

A big shout out to Tom Dickson for showing the world the only practical use for the iPad!

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