Love of loosies…

Ah the loosie, a teenager’s BFF and only 50 cents. I don’t want to sound self-righteous (even though I dogged Eddie Cahill for smoking) but smoking does suck… and yet I just finished a Camel Light (I really should have gotten an Ultra Light).

I hadn’t had a smoke in 3 years (Capris suck fucking ass but Camel flavors were pretty good) and before that was high school. I was one of the 50% of the population in my wannabe basement school that was a fan of Newports (Light Menthol). Bugs Bunny, Bogie, and peer pressure be goddamned because nobody– and I mean no-fucking-body in my damn school offered my ass a smoke. I had to go out and spend my $7 dollars! And the shit is nasty as fuck. The only reason why I even started was to lose weight. Nicotine is a stimulant that kills hunger pangs! You can only do so much caffeine in a day, and I can’t afford to waste my (sugar free) Red Bull (my true favorite is the lo-carb Arizona Energy). And even then it didn’t work, and that’s why I only smoked on and off for a couple of years.

But sometimes you need a nic fix so I hit up the ol’ bodega and sure enough loosies were still 50 cents. These damned anti-smoking advocacy groups must be smoking some kind of lo jack because they insist that the reason why kids smoke is because of media and ads. I call bullshit! My father was an occasional smoker (Marlboro Ultra Lights and pipes- he looked like such an old fart with the corncob one), my late Godmother and her mother (Parliaments), her father (cigars- YUCK!), my late great uncles (Marlboro and Camel), and all the Quebecois relatives (filterless French imports) were smokers. Half the moms in my elementary school were smokers (Kools were popular back in the mid-80s amongst the ladies). But I tell you, they’re the real reason as to why teens smoke, they want to imitate and escape. Look grown-up and cool. Need a legal fix? Have a cigarette and a beer. Their parents do it all the time.

Oh yeah and I was especially pissed when Bloomie outlawed the flavored Camels. I tried the coffee one, and it did have a pleasant taste- at first-  but ultimately it just masked the nastiness. He only did it to bow down to Philip Morris, RJ Reynolds main competitor. Kids won’t be drawn in by the candy flavoring, fuckwits. Chances are they were already smoking Camels, or whatever their usual brand is.

But don’t worry, you can go back to reading Twilight and live in your dream world where there’s a west coast of Brazil. Meanwhile I’m seriously looking into Power Pops, Fatgirlslim, and Blu. My fat ass can’t afford denial anymore.

P.S. Stay tuned for my review of Smeyer’s Relapse novella rehash, The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I just DLed it off 4shared and got a big kick from the little introduction. How could anybody believe the bitch had it edited? Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration:


No two writers go about things in exactly the same way (Yes bitch, we research and keep our cultish views to ourselves). We all
are inspired and motivated in different ways (A rich terrestrial goddess); we have our own reasons why some characters stay with us (You’re Bella, and your fantasy lover is Edward and they’ve never left you and never will) while others disappear into a backlog of neglected files. Personally, I’ve
never figured out why some of my characters take on strong
lives of their own (Lusting for the Celestial Kingdom doesn’t count sweetie), but I’m always happy when they do. Those characters are the most effortless to write (That is a disrespect to real writers), and so their stories are usually the ones that get finished (So you can buy a real diamond tiara like Tammy Faye Baker).
Bree is one of those characters, and she’s the chief reason
why this story is now in your hands, rather than lost in the maze
of forgotten folders inside my computer. (The two other reasons
are named Diego and Fred.) [Cats or kids?] I started thinking about Bree while I was editing Eclipse. Editing, not writing—when I was writing
the first draft of Eclipse (Regardless of how many times you repeat yourself we still don’t believe you), I had first-person-perspective blinders on; anything that Bella couldn’t see or hear or feel or taste or touch was irrelevant (Just like research and other people’s opinions). That story was her experience only.
The next step in the editing process was to step away from Bella and see how the story flowed. My editor, Rebecca Davis, was a huge part of that process, and she had a lot of questions for me about the things Bella didn’t know and how we could make the right parts of that story clearer (I bet she attempted suicide many times over this job). Because Bree is the only newborn Bella sees, Bree’s was the perspective that I first gravitated toward as I considered what was going on behind the scenes. I started thinking about living in the basement with the newborns and hunting traditional vampire-style. I imagined the world as Bree understood it. And it was easy to do that.
From the start Bree was very clear as a character, and some of her friends also sprang to life effortlessly. This is the way it usually works for me: I try to write a short synopsis of what is happening in some other part of the story, and I end up jotting down dialogue. In this case, instead of a synopsis, I found myself writing a day in Bree’s life. Writing Bree was the first time I’d stepped into the shoes of a narrator who was a “real” vampire—a hunter, a monster.
I got to look through her red eyes at us humans; suddenly we were pathetic and weak, easy prey, of no importance whatsoever except as a tasty snack. (Just like your days as a missionary?) I felt what it was like to be alone while
surrounded by enemies, always on guard, never sure of anything except that her life was always in danger. I got to submerge myself in a totally different breed of vampires: newborns. The newborn life was something I hadn’t ever gotten to explore—even when Bella finally became a vampire. Bella was never a newborn like Bree was a newborn. It was exciting and dark and, ultimately, tragic. The closer I got to the inevitable end, the more I wished I’d concluded Eclipse just slightly differently.
I wonder how you will feel about Bree. She’s such a small, seemingly trivial character in Eclipse. She lives for only five minutes of Bella’s perspective. And yet her story is so important to an understanding of the novel. When you read the Eclipse scene in which Bella stares at Bree, assessing her as a
possible future, did you ever think about what has brought Bree to that point in time? As Bree glares back, did you wonder what Bella and the Cullens look like to her? Probably not. But even if you did, I’ll bet you never guessed her secrets. I hope you end up caring about Bree as much as I do (You’ve just contradicted yourself there. You don’t seem to care about her much two paragraphs ago!), though that’s kind of a cruel wish. You know this: it doesn’t end well for her (Anybody who is a threat to you/Bella deserves suffering and death, right?). But at least you will know the whole story. And that no perspective is ever really trivial (Because they have to agree with yours in order to do that).
Oh yeah, any fellow Italy fans for 2010 World Cup? 1-1 from their Paraguay match! Let’s go defending champs! AZURRI! AZURRI!


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