Chocolate fiendishness…

Truth be told I like sweet stuff, but chocolate isn’t high up on the addiction list (that would be mom). As far back as I can remember X-mas wasn’t X-mas without Perugina candies (Baci and the cherry cordials were my favorites) but what trumped the big C was (and always will be) Ferrara Torrone (nougat). Those little white blocks of sugar, egg whites, and almonds was a little gold wrapped packet of joy, and they would be all gone before the first guests would arrive for dinner. Luckily grandma hid the giant bars (the kind you need a butcher’s knife to cut) from me, or 25% of dessert would be missing.

But as of late my Irish grandpa’s side had been niggling me, and being broke and having a big desire to stay sober has made me look for alternatives. I despise coffee and always liked me tea Irish (as in a shot of Irish whiskey in my Irish breakfast tea) or a chilled, frothy Baileys Irish Cream hit the spot on dog day afternoons like these (toss some ice in a blender, add some Baileys caramel –chop-chop/whir-whir– and things were looking a bit Rosie O’Grady). Then while doing some shopping for Irish cream cocoa I stumbled upon Chocolates Turin on Amazon, and what were they selling? Bailey’s Irish Cream filled chocolates!

Now this wasn’t the first liquor-filled candy I’d had- Perugina chocolates have an anisette flavored line (BLECH!) and cherry cordials are usually filled with sweet liqueur- but these were a bit different. So I took a chance after I read the labeling (21 to buy). I knew that with this heat I could end up with a plastic jar of sugary liquor goo, but having a birthday in the spring where sudden heat waves aren’t uncommon, I thought it best to freeze it after unboxing. It came two days ago and the packaging was really nice- a plastic vase holding 51 pieces of dark chocolate wrapped around Baileys original goodness. I couldn’t help myself so I ripped it open and the pungent aroma of manna from heaven tickled my sensitive nostrils! The chocolate was nothing more than a melted blob in the Bailey’s orange-gold inner foil and I ended up licking it off, but God it was like a mini-shot of Baileys! I was in love! In no way can you get drunk off of liquor-filled candy, but it’s a sweet buzz on your tongue. I was even more excited when I saw some more great flavors advertised on the website, but I could only manage to track down Kahlua and Jose Cuervo and I await my orders with baited breath (but I’m determined to find the white Cherries chocolates).

But to be truthful I only got this chocolate hankering when I was rummaging through Target looking for the dwindling remains of Soap & Glory. Boots is a cheap-ass brand that Target’s been hawking for the past few years or so (Rimmel is no better and yet CVS is stuffed to the gills with the shit) but the only good thing that came out of this unrevolutionary union was S&G and it’s sweet-scented, obnoxious pink and yellow retro model packaging made Maybelline curl up and cry in bed. And while Mother Pucker and Slimwear weren’t in my arsenal, the perfumes, the Righteous Butter, Glow Lotion, and body scrubs have a home in my armoire (S&G is dumping Target, stay tuned to find out who they’ll be contracting to distribute next).

I especially took a fat liking to Sugar Crush body scrub (15 oz.), it became my replacement when St. Ives body scrubs vanished from NYC Rite Aid shelves. I never knew what the fuck sugar scrubs were all about, I always saw them in the wannabe overhyped, insane-o priced Bath and Body Works with the bath salts. It really wasn’t until I was doing research into cellulite appearance reduction that I got into scrubs. Exfoliating is good for everybody at any age, but once you hit 30 your cellular turnover starts to get hungover and needs a shot of B-12. St. Ives released its “Body Polishes” (8 oz.)  for a decent price of $8 and I used Renewing (renamed Collagen Elastin) and Smoothing (Mineral Therapy, now). If you could find them in a beauty supply shop, you’ve hit the jackpot! Other than that go to Amazon and order them in packs of 3. Whatever you do DON’T get water into the pots, the scrub will dissolve. If you’re like me- waking up dehydrated- Renewing is best. It smells like lemon sugar cookies and it has fine grains so it’s probably the gentlest. Smoothing smells like sugary butter cream and has a lighter tone and texture than the St. Ives apricot facial scrub. A bit harsher, but when you’re out of the shower your skin shines!

S&G’s Sugar Crush has a thicker consistency and smells like a Caipiroska! Be careful if you have any scratches because SC contains real lime and salt, but you will feel fresh and invigorated! If you insist on Fatgirlscrub (8 oz.), keep in mind that ANY scrub can help with cellulite visibility  reduction and that if any of the creams “work”, think of them as wrinkle creams for your ass. The skin will tighten (temporarily) and caffeine is a wonderful diuretic. Activity and better eating help too. Another pair of fab S&G scrubs are Scrub ‘Em and Leave ‘Em Body Buff and Flake Away (both 10.1 oz). FA smells like grapefruit and is more salt than sugar, it will have a sheen of almond oil that’s terrific for moisturizing and again watch out if you have any open wounds. The BB is pink and quite heavy- think of a cotton candy paste. It’s also a companion to the S&G body spray, Mist You Madly, and don’t forget to slather on The Righteous Butter or Daily Smooth for that extra moisturizing.

Care for an exotic get away? Then I’ll just book you on the next flight to Fiji… Organic that is. Now this one requires a little maintenance. I have the Lavender sugar scrub (this is heavy on the patchouli) so the scent is quite tangy, but nothing too threatening. Now when you first open it there will be a quarter inch of coconut oil over the sugar- it’s supposed to be like that! Keep it in warm temperatures, and if it solidifies, whatever you do DON’T microwave it! Place the covered pot into a bowl of warm water to melt the oil. There will also be a scoop in there to help you apply, but feel free to toss it if it doesn’t jive (I did). Another thing, this shit is the real deal- I mean Sugar In The Raw! Take your time when rinsing, and don’t use soap to get it off.

Now here’s where Count Chocula kicked Eddiekins ass and bit me. I was desperately searching for a price tag for the LAST S&G organdy bath pouf when I thought somebody left an open can of Milo in the makeup aisle. I look to the side and see this Giovanni Hot Chocolate thing sitting there, the lid was partly spun off so I took a whiff and be goddamned, the shit smelled like Nestle! But no way in fuck was I dropping $19 for 9 oz. Curiosity having been piqued I scoured Amazon and found something better: Organic Dark Mocha Body Scrub– 13 oz. $22. Now this whole organic/natural ingredients/all natural hype-fad shit doesn’t faze me. When you grow some vegetables in a hothouse with animal shit it shouldn’t cost $6 for 3 medium-sized tomatoes while 1 beef tomato is just $2. But being a fan of Belgian dark chocolate (fuck you Empire Foods!) you just put your principles out of your mind. I’ve used the shit twice now, and I ordered the white chocolate one and another with blood oranges in it (I just really love those oranges). The mocha scrub also contains coffee, so when you apply it will look like someone just dumped Oreo Blizzard on you with a smattering of your favorite k-cup. The damn thing looks and smells like Smucker’s chocolate sauce, but if you dare to have a lick it tastes like Cascade. It washes off you and the tiles super quick, so no need to get pissy about staining.

I recommend you hide this from your significant other and sprogs. This is one treat you won’t want to share. 😉


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