Do not pass for a passport

According to the State Department, 22% of Americans (as of ’09) have a US Passport. Why? Well cost is the number one reason, currently it’s $110 for a US Passport plus around $25 in fees and taxes. The second reason is that you have to apply at your local post office, the county clerk, or go to the US Passport office which is part of the State Department in every major city- and we all know how helpful those asshats in government are! The third reason is that you have to take a day off work and make it to the application office before 4 PM- and their hour (or 90 minute) lunch is paramount!

But wait, there’s more! In our post 9/11 Islamophobic world (I personally HATE the hajib and Catholic nun garb- misogyny/small dick fear disguised with righteousness) we now have to go through every bit of personal ID we have- Birth Certificate (original copy) drivers license or state ID non-drivers license, employment ID, library card, credit card, insurance forms, and God’s cell phone number to get a US Passport. Mom paid $228 for an EXPEDITED US Passport (2-3 weeks) and had received a letter stating that her state ID non-drivers license wasn’t VALID ENOUGH because it was too new (we renew our IDs every 8 years and she got hers in May). NYC racked up the highest casualty rate on 9/11- 2,792- and the Department of Homeland Ineptitude is demanding that NATIVE BORN US CITIZENS produce ID that is somewhat old to prove who we are.

On the State Department website and their passport forms it doesn’t say that. It only states for VALID forms of ID when applying. No additional terms. The DMV explicitly tells drivers and non-drivers to destroy their old IDs when they receive their new ones! When I got my new library card the clerk took my old one and snipped to bits it in front of me. When Mom got her new employee ID they took away her old one. We ARE NOT going to keep invalid ID because it’s against the rules.

This Byzantine, labyrinthine bullfuck is such shit. But here’s what they really want to say (and practice) but don’t want to say out loud:

We would like to bar all non-essential personnel (ie. politicians, military, royalty, and petroleum industry) from the Middle Eastern region, The State of Israel and the Palestinian Authority, North Africa, Central Asia, and Southeast Asia for the duration of US military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan regardless of religious affiliation. While we acknowledge our significant roles in the political and economic destabilization of said regions for profiteering for the elite classes of third and first world nations, we just don’t want to hear the ACLU scream ‘racial discrimination.’ Even though it’s kind of/kind of not true.

Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist

Princeton:
Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?

Kate Monster:
Sure!

 

Princeton:
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?

Kate Monster:
Uh huh.

Princeton:
Well, he’s Trekkie Monster, and you’re Kate Monster.

Kate Monster:
Right.

Princeton:
You’re both Monsters.

Kate Monster:
Yeah.

Princeton:
Are you two related?

Kate Monster:
What?! Princeton, I’m surprised at you! I find that racist!

Princeton:
Oh, well, I’m sorry! I was just asking!

Kate Monster:
Well, it’s a touchy subject.
No, not all Monsters are related.
What are you trying say, huh?
That we all look the same to you?
Huh, huh, huh?

Princeton:
No, no, no, not at all. I’m sorry,
I guess that was a little racist.

Kate Monster:
I should say so. You should be much more
careful when you’re talking about the
sensitive subject of race.

Princeton:
Well, look who’s talking!

Kate Monster:
What do you mean?

Princeton:
What about that special Monster School you told me about?

Kate Monster:
What about it?

Princeton:
Could someone like me go there?

Kate Monster:
No, we don’t want people like you-

Princeton:
You see?!

You’re a little bit racist.

Kate Monster:
Well, you’re a little bit too.

Princeton:
I guess we’re both a little bit racist.

Kate Monster:
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do…

Princeton:
But I guess it’s true.

Kate Monster:
Between me and you,
I think

Both:
Everyone’s a little bit racist
Sometimes.
Doesn’t mean we go
Around committing hate crimes.
Look around and you will find
No one’s really color blind.
Maybe it’s a fact
We all should face
Everyone makes judgments
Based on race.

Princeton:
Now not big judgments, like who to hire
or who to buy a newspaper from –

Kate Monster:
No!

Princeton:
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican
busboys should learn to speak goddamn English!

Kate Monster:
Right!

Both:
Everyone’s a little bit racist
Today.
So, everyone’s a little bit racist
Okay!
Ethinic jokes might be uncouth,
But you laugh because
They’re based on truth.
Don’t take them as
Personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them –
So relax!

Princeton:
All right, stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Kate Monster:
Okay!

Princeton:
There’s a plan going down and there’s only
one paracute. And there’s a rabbi, a priest…

Kate Monster:
And a black guy!

Gary Coleman:
Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Kate?

Kate Monster:
Uh…

Gary Coleman:
You were telling a black joke!

Princeton:
Well, sure, Gary, but lots of people tell black jokes.

Gary Coleman:
I don’t.

Princeton:
Well, of course you don’t – you’re black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?

Gary Coleman:
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!

Princeton:
Now, don’t you think that’s a little racist?

Gary Coleman:
Well, damn, I guess you’re right.

Kate Monster:
You’re a little bit racist.

Gary Coleman:
Well, you’re a little bit too.

Princeton:
We’re all a little bit racist.

Gary Coleman:
I think that I would
Have to agree with you.

Princeton/Kate Monster:
We’re glad you do.

Gary Coleman:
It’s sad but true!
Everyone’s a little bit racist –

All right!

Kate Monster:
All right!

Princeton:
All right!

Gary Coleman:
All right!
Bigotry has never been
Exclusively white

All:
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
Even though we all know
That it’s wrong,
Maybe it would help us
Get along.

Princeton:
Oh, Christ do I feel good.

Gary Coleman:
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!

Princeton:
Who?

Gary Coleman:
Jesus Christ.

Kate Monster:
But, Gary, Jesus was white.

Gary Coleman:
No, Jesus was black.

Kate Monster:
No, Jesus was white.

Gary Coleman:
No, I’m pretty sure that Jesus was black-

Princeton:
Guys, guys…Jesus was Jewish!

Brian:
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?

Gary Coleman:
Racism!

Brian:
Cool.

Christmas Eve:
BRIAN! Come back here!
You take out lecycuraburs!

Princeton:
What’s that mean?

Brian:
Um, recyclables.
Hey, don’t laugh at her!
How many languages do you speak?

Kate Monster:
Oh, come off it, Brian!
Everyone’s a little bit racist.

Brian:
I’m not!

Princeton:
Oh no?

Brian:
Nope!

How many Oriental wives
Have you got?

Christmas Eve:
What? Brian!

Princeton:
Brian, buddy, where you been?
The term is Asian-American!

Christmas Eve:
I know you are no
Intending to be
But calling me Oriental –
Offensive to me!

Brian:
I’m sorry, honey, I love you.

Christmas Eve:
And I love you.

Brian:
But you’re racist, too.

Christmas Eve:
Yes, I know.
The Jews have all
The money
And the whites have all
The power.
And I’m always in taxi-cab
With driver who no shower!

Princeton:
Me too!

Kate Monster:
Me too!

Gary Coleman:
I can’t even get a taxi!

All:
Everyone’s a little bit racist
It’s true.
But everyone is just about
As racist as you!
If we all could just admit
That we are racist a little bit,
And everyone stopped being
So PC
Maybe we could live in –
Harmony!

Christmas Eve:
Evlyone’s a ritter bit lacist!

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