Sephora, surprisingly ghetto

I am not ashamed to say that I like Sephora, I’m just ashamed that I have patronized its stores. There are two main hubs in NYC, across the street from Herald Square’s Macy’s (and one door up from Old Navy) and on Union Square (on the same block as Barnes & Noble’s).

It really is for the SATC wannabes and their gays, but I will say the Union Square Sephora doesn’t blast their Euro-techno-rave-dance-pop epic fail bullfuck (unlike Aerosoles- OMG WTF!). I am a red lipstick addict and had have been on the safari (of “Dr. Livingston, I presume?” epic proportions) for the perfect shade for years.

1) Graftobian- red (Their red glitter is cool too.)

2) Maybelline Color Sensational– Red Revival and Very Cherry

3) Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick– Hellbent, Underage Red, and limited edition Adora (I used to get this shade of red back in high school in the 99 cent stores and Rite Aid. How far we have fallen.)

4) Too Faced Lip of Luxury– Runway Red and Drop Dead Red

5) DuWop– Private Red (doesn’t change shade for shit, and yes Smeyer has her Twifuck makeup line with these asshats)

And BIG surprise (for some one who assiduously avoided lip glosses from their 90s hype like the motherfucking plague):

6) Buxom Big and Healthy lip gloss and full-color polish- Trixie, Betsy, Vanessa, Charity, Ginger, Betty, and Roxanne.  And they all do Barcelona. (And, no, they really don’t plump up your lips. But it will be nice and tingly and no stickiness or tack.)

7) Fresh– Sugar Shag (I also love their Sake and Cannabis Santal fragrances, but get Bvlgari Blv Pour Homme on Amazon.)

Now my beef is with the fucking customers. You’d think with these predominantly skinny white girls running around like chickenheads the moment Lee Byung-hun walks into a room ready to line up, they’d be a little bit more… I don’t know… HYGIENIC with the fucking testers! It’s a goddamn wreck at the Herald Square Sephora (only a tenth or two better at Union Square) and I haven’t gone back from my first visit two months ago. It looks the same way that Duane Reade on Fulton Street Brooklyn before the chain’s mass renovations! I mean these goddamn bitches put the damn tester makeup on! I don’t want to sound paranoid, but Mom always taught me to just swipe the shit on the back of my hand to see if it went with my skin then wipe it off with a tissue. And I do that! Do you know the kinds of bacteria makeup contains? Do you have your fat heads up SPJ’s ass not to know this? I mean motherfucking seriously!

Well Mom likes Trixie and Sugar Fairy and wants a couple of tubes, so I’m going to the Fresh and Bare Escentuals stores in the city. But I don’t have high hopes for cleanliness.

Stay tuned for my next update in my adventures with eye shadow! In all of my makeup wearing years (’round 16) this four-eyed geek has never wore eye makeup. Well, Too Faced was just too hard to resist so I purchased Lash Gasm in black, Lava Gloss liner in Super Gloss Black, Duo Shadows in Lucky Charms and Shamrock Chic, and an eye shadow Blender Brush. Because you have to dress up enough to get all smartassy when they’re giving you the secret personality test during a job interview.

If Foamy was POTUS, the world would be a lot more livelier. You know it's true you fat bastards.


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