Pwned! Red Riding Hood novel

Well like Bree Tanner, I decided to look up the Red Riding Hood novel. And after what I read on Amazon.com, the public got epically pwned (as in bleeding from the asshole).

Could you get any more, I don’t know, OBVIOUS that the corporations are creating Twifuck 2.0?

Valerie/RRH – (Amanda Seyfried) Bella-Smeyer II who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jane and twice as sexless.

Peter/Woodsman/Big Bad Werewolf – (Shiloh Fernandez) Jacob without the black, emo to the hilt, and like Eddiekins will stop at nothing (including bloodshed) to ensure sweet Val would be his one and only.

Henry/Val’s rich fiancee – (Max Irons) Dull and lifeless like Edward but a bigger pushover than Jake. Wants Val’s unrequited love more than anything he’s and is willing to save her from Peter-Beowulf despite the fact she could care less about him.

But all that matters is that they are all pretty, share long, blank gazes, and that there’s a red hood on the girl’s head as she says, “Oh grandmother, what big eyes you have”- insta-blockbuster!

My big thing is who in the ass is Sarah Blakely-Cartwright, and why is Hardwicke’s name on the cover instead of hers? I know Hachette’s desperately trying to keep its Twifuck cash cow on life support, but do you think the uncultivated ability of a recent Barnard College grad was the way to do it? Smeyer makes this infant look educated, but do you think passages such as this is a great leap:

“I’m not going to force you to marry me,” Henry went on, not requiring her to respond, a gentleman to the end.

Somehow, her heart broke watching his do the same. Again, she thought of burying her head in his chest, of the safety he offered her. She had enough of danger, of trauma and passion. She was angry with herself; why couldn’t she love Henry?

“I know you don’t want to be with me.”

His honesty was a shock.

Because it was all she could think to do, Valerie fumbled to unclasp her bracelet, and at last succeeding, gave it back to him.

“I’m so sorry.” She heard herself saying the empty words, something she tried never to do. Having nothing else, she used them anyway, knowing they were a pathetic offering.

He was gone in an instant, the only noise now the afternoon crawl of the muddy stream. Standing under the silent sun of mid-morning, she was left to weigh Henry’s words. She couldn’t think about it too long, though, because if she did, there came a shameful rush of fire, flames flicking and blazing behind her ribs.

And you’ve got to hand it to Hachette’s PR department! Let’s release an INCOMPLETE novel and have the teen asshats DL the last chapter after the film opening for their iPuds and Kindling! And then as I’m lining up to take a piss at B&N there I’ll see with the rest of the RRH merch, the complete hardcover novel with the movie poster cover.

I will say the cinematography is clever, playing up the colors makes it look less grayscale. The red cape and its CGI bloodstain/spatter effects are the usual trope, but it’s still cool. I liked the costuming better in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow (saw that 9 times in theatres- the discount theatre was still open in Manhattan), and I do admit I hold period dramas to his standard, but the renaissance peasant garb here looks way too clean and Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre-esque to be taken seriously. Cindy Evans should’ve watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for initial research. Amanda’s jewelry is okay looking, and will be Hot Topic silver-painted plastic/copper fodder for the Hot Topic fantards (like AIW, unfortunately). If WB’s smart enough, they’d license pricier merch for The Noble Collection.

In the novel Blakely-Cartwright doesn’t really give background on the time period RRH is set in or where Daggerhorn is. The film is adapted from the most popular adaptation by the Brothers Grimm, making it to be roughly 700 years old. So is RRH 14th century Britain or Bavaria? Judging by the stills I’ve seen of the woodcutter’s house, it looks like it was heavily influenced by the log house dachas in Ivan the Terrible’s Russia (but Gary Oldman looks a bit like Peter the Great). The gilded angel on the shutters resembles Andrei Rublev’s iconography, and the wooden cross over Peter’s parents’ graves still exist in the Russian countryside marking orthodox churches, monasteries, and holy pilgrimage sites. So whether it be 700 years in the past or a post-apocalyptic future, the teen imaginariums will soar… but hopefully not sparkle.

UPDATE: Since it’s not illegal, here’s the last chapter to the RRH fail novel: Red Riding Hood – last chapter

And now for your not-so off topic enjoyment, some anti-Twifuck pwnage:

We can only wish this happened in the movies

Eddiekins' worst nightmare!

Love DN, but hate Misa (although not as much as Eddiekins)

While I can't stand Cho (and Ginny-Sue for that matter), NO WAY can you put her on the same level of suck-ass as Bella-Smeyer

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