If not now, WEN?

If Richard Simmons, Debra Messing, and that preggo Streisand-wannabe dumb bitch from Glee taught me anything, it’s to trust your best gay- especially if he does your hair!

The first time I ordered off QVC it was Dennis Basso’s faux fur blankets (I own two- mink and lynx- and the leopard print I gave to my BFF), and it was around that time when I saw- and heard- the presenters, models, and callers creaming their mom jeans on this religion called WEN. Developed by stylist Chaz Dean, he (like the rest of his celebrity ilk) is hellbent on changing the world one head of hair at a time banning shampoo forever! Back the fuck up, mom and I screamed! How in high holy hell can you clean your hair without shampoo? We ignored the WENNITES until a week ago.

When K came round to file the ole 1040 for us mom asked what shampoo she used. Since she’s black I assumed she used Pink, Dark n’ Lovely, and the slew of relaxers and other nappy hair treatments you’d find at the far back corner of the Duane Reade shampoo aisle and beauty supply shop I’d seen her buy countless times. Nope! She was a WENNITE, converted by our other friend Mika. Like the QVC idiots, K glossed on and on about Chaz’ baby and educated us on what a cleansing conditioner was. When I translated for mom we were still skeptical, but despite the price, she encouraged us to take the plunge. We had no choice. Seriously.

When mom went into menopause, her hair became an unmanageable bedhead rat’s nest forcing her to wash it every motherfucking morning. Now we all know that washing your hair daily strips your hair of all moisture, but mom didn’t seem to have a problem because her L’Oreal Color Vive shampoo and conditioner was her DOC for over 25 years. Then the corporate assfucks bought their competition (CoverGirl, Maybelline, and Max Factor) and all went to hell. When the global markets crashed (with the ponzis fueling that fire) quality products turned to shit, and beauty and personal care weren’t immune. In 2011/12 it became harder for me to find L’Oreal hair care products until they eliminated the Color Vive line for this green sulfide-free (and more expensive for less in the tube) trendy bullshit line. Mom went through $100 worth of other brands only for them to end up in the recycling bin because of the damage they caused. Then two months ago after customers more than likely bombarded L’Oreal’s inboxes with death threats did they relaunch Color Vive renaming and repackaging it using the Glee dumb ho as its spokestwat. But the formula was fucked with (to save $$$) and while it did the trick for mom’s hair, it lacked magic. Still better than nothing.

But my hair has been giving me nothing but grief for the last 18 years. PCOS women have acute frizziness, dandruff, breakage, and hair loss caused by hormone imbalances. I had hair loss at 12, and then when I was 14 my shiny smooth hair went berserk. It looked like I had a tumbleweed on my head with chunks of my scalp lifting off every time I pulled a brush through it, and the scabs were so thick you could see them at my temples. In other words, I was pretty popular. I was 24 when I finally became a redhead and what people may not understand is that ammonia and peroxide- the dominant chemicals in all hair dyes (except the bullshit ones which are ALL save for L’Oreal)- are also major components in relaxers. It was taming my frizz but it remained bushy, breaking, and a big fucking mess during the rainy season. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was nearly 30 and went vegan after that, but my hair remained a problem. Doc said my hair would start behaving once I got on birth control, but alas, no insurance. I did some online research and began a supplement regimen in addition to my multivitamin that included biotin. I take biotin and used biotin shampoo and conditioner, but the dandruff and breakage is still a misery.

Enter WEN Six Thirteen. Now for the noob I ordered the gift set and that includes a 16 oz. bottle of Six Thirteen and a 4 oz. bottle of replenishing mist. It’s prettily boxed with the pump boxed separately because the product is so fucking thick it will spurt out if you put it in. My suggestion is to use the product first and then insert the pump. The WEN comb is necessary, but isn’t included with this set so I bought it off Amazon for $13. The instructions aren’t intimidating as you might think (emphases mine):

Rinse hair thoroughly and completely with cool water for at least 1 minute. Daily Cleansing Treatment should be applied in four sections: the crown of your head, the nape/back of head, ends to the left side of your hair and ends to the right side of your hair.

 For hair above your shoulders, use a minimum of 6-8 pumps.

For hair down to your shoulders, use a minimum of 8-10 pumps.

For hair past your shoulders use a minimum of 10-12 pumps.

For hair to your mid-back use a minimum of 12-14 pumps.

 Add a splash of water to help evenly distribute through the ends and massage vigorously into scalp for 2-3 minutes. Comb through with a wide-tooth comb and clip hair up for the remainder of the shower. Leave on for at least 3-5 minutes. The longer you leave it on the better for maximum results. Rinse with cool water thoroughly for 1-2 minutes by massaging your scalp and running your fingers through to the ends.While hair is soaking wet, apply a dime size amount of the Daily Cleansing Treatment as a leave-in conditioner starting from the back of the head through to the ends.

 For thicker/coarser hair increase amount of pumps in order to thoroughly hydrate and cleanse the scalp and ends.

 If you choose to rinse and repeat, use half the amount of suggested pumps for each cleansing.

As I initiated some hours ago the breakage and color bleeding was still present, but I’ll tell you this I hadn’t been able to take a comb to my hair since childhood. The top layer is still damaged and bushed out, but my hair is lighter, softer, and is able to separate and fall easier. I used eight products (including shampoo and conditioner) to get my hair to behave and it felt flat, weighted, and unclean. I’m giving WEN until the end of this bottle, and with the rains just weeks away the next 3 days will be Chaz’ first exam with the cold, dampness, and humidity on the schedule. If I get results he’s got a new customer, and I can mix and match my WEN! The best thing to do is check out the WEN_comparison_chart to see which product is good for you. In my case the fig line is probably best because it tackles damage and coarseness. Personally I can’t wait to get the intensive oil treatments so I could finally retire the cold pressed argan oil and keep it for my skin. WEN also has a kids line and can be used on your pets. I mean, who wouldn’t want beautiful coats like Hunter, Spencer, and Ella?

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A little something on white guilt

Last night at the Pay-O-Matic I saw ABC Nightly News broadcast their weekly social awareness blurb starring a Sesame Street producer. He and his wife adopted an Ethiopian baby and now that she’s in pre-k, she’s been complaining as to why she doesn’t have Barbie hair like all her friends and dolls. A pair of New York socialites put their adopted black child in one of those Woody Allen recommendation and principal bribe required Montessori leadership schools (with the optional vegan organic lunch menu) that are inhabited by little rich white brats. Do you think that the Upper East Side is the epicenter of black empowerment?

The asshat has a look of complete doofus-like bewilderment. So he hires the kid who played Nala in The Lion King Musical, wrote a song, and directed the following:

And here cures all racism and self-hate.

He obviously has never seen this:

And he’s obviously never visited a ghetto beauty supply store chockablock with skin whiteners, wigs, weaves, and relaxers.

Look people, this goes deeper that what’s attractive, what’s ugly, black, white, dark-skinned, light-skinned, plaçage, and euphemisms for skin color. Nappy hair, Afro, relaxed, braids, dreads, or a wig- you do what’s good for you. You do what you want. Especially if you’re American- fuck them all! Ignorance and stupidity will never die out regardless who or what you are. I personally think that all hair care is just a pain in the fucking ass- especially if you’re a woman! But if you’re observant you’ll see white people walking around with dreads, braids, extensions, cornrows, and the occasional Afro. So if you’re trying to look like you’re supporting your black brothers and sisters and buck the corporate system (that you’ll soon be chomping at the bit to get into to buy your toys and pay off your college debts), let me tell you something Ephus: you’re not trendy, you look retarded, so why don’t you take a lesson and be real. Be corny! Be lame! And be proud of being just another white person!

Strange shit I have (and I know I’m not the only one)

I’ve just cleaned the last bit of junk from my new and improved room (but I won’t be able to enjoy it what with our heatless house unable to stand up against the bitter New York winter), organized shit, bagged the stuff I’m donating to BPL’s Great American Book Drive, and took stock of all my crap. And boy do I like weird shit! And I know I’m not the only one.

1) Andrei Rublev

2) The Color of Pomegranates

3) The ’79 Captain America TV movies

4) Alice in Wonderland (1966 BBC production)

5) Celtopunk

6) mysteries solved by Elizabeth II

7) I have 7 shades of red nail polish

8 ) I have 21 shades of red lipstick (plus back-ups)

9) Russian Ark

10) Super Sentai music

11) I have all the North American Sailor Moon soundtracks

12) I have the Japanese mini-disc single of Weiss Kreuz 1st season opening theme

13) The soundtrack for the stinker Passion of Mind

14) I discovered I nearly perfectly painted the nails of my Princess Jasmine figurine

15) Kickboxing Academy

See what could happen if you let your space turn into a junk pile? Oh the hidden wonders of weirdness…

Happiness Bunny says don't be a hoarder, or he'll invade your living room and eat your flan while idly rubbing his crotch.

Jeepers! Creepers! I had to do something about my goddamn peepers!

Well my Too Faced eye makeup came in today and so far I’m digging it.

It has also taught me three important things:

1) I have to get in A FUCKLOAD of practice with eyeliner.

2) I have, unfortunately, discovered I’m one of those raccoon-eyed girls. No I’m not talking about dark under eye circles (that’s genetic and I have that as well), but I cannot wear eyeliner on my lower lid because instead of getting that Brigitte Bardot look, I look like Courtney Love… after her 17th speedball.

3) I should’ve made friends with the color green instead of running from it years ago. But I have to tone down the Lucky Charms with the Chocolate Brown for the office (but the Iced Sage really rocks no matter where you are).

I have to admit that Shadow Insurance shit actually works. I can brush on the glaze quite easily, and the brush is super soft. So that’s a bonus I guess. I also need to look into getting an eyelash comb, because Mom was right when she said no matter what the brand or what those assed-out commercials claim, mascara clumps like a motherfucker! So I’m picking that up tomorrow in K-Mart when I get the new kitchen trash can.

Oh yeah, I’m just 155 pages from the end of this hidden literary gem Hong Kong On Air by Muhammad Cohen (and yes, that is possible). It was published in 2007 by Blacksmith Books, an HK-based publishing house that releases 10-12 titles a year focusing on non-fictional Asian themes. I’m going to review this and also try to contact Cohen and get a little insight as to why Blacksmith took a big risk on publishing a fictional tale of 454 pages by a first time novelist (who is a professional print and TV journalist).

Sephora, surprisingly ghetto

I am not ashamed to say that I like Sephora, I’m just ashamed that I have patronized its stores. There are two main hubs in NYC, across the street from Herald Square’s Macy’s (and one door up from Old Navy) and on Union Square (on the same block as Barnes & Noble’s).

It really is for the SATC wannabes and their gays, but I will say the Union Square Sephora doesn’t blast their Euro-techno-rave-dance-pop epic fail bullfuck (unlike Aerosoles- OMG WTF!). I am a red lipstick addict and had have been on the safari (of “Dr. Livingston, I presume?” epic proportions) for the perfect shade for years.

1) Graftobian- red (Their red glitter is cool too.)

2) Maybelline Color Sensational– Red Revival and Very Cherry

3) Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick– Hellbent, Underage Red, and limited edition Adora (I used to get this shade of red back in high school in the 99 cent stores and Rite Aid. How far we have fallen.)

4) Too Faced Lip of Luxury– Runway Red and Drop Dead Red

5) DuWop– Private Red (doesn’t change shade for shit, and yes Smeyer has her Twifuck makeup line with these asshats)

And BIG surprise (for some one who assiduously avoided lip glosses from their 90s hype like the motherfucking plague):

6) Buxom Big and Healthy lip gloss and full-color polish- Trixie, Betsy, Vanessa, Charity, Ginger, Betty, and Roxanne.  And they all do Barcelona. (And, no, they really don’t plump up your lips. But it will be nice and tingly and no stickiness or tack.)

7) Fresh– Sugar Shag (I also love their Sake and Cannabis Santal fragrances, but get Bvlgari Blv Pour Homme on Amazon.)

Now my beef is with the fucking customers. You’d think with these predominantly skinny white girls running around like chickenheads the moment Lee Byung-hun walks into a room ready to line up, they’d be a little bit more… I don’t know… HYGIENIC with the fucking testers! It’s a goddamn wreck at the Herald Square Sephora (only a tenth or two better at Union Square) and I haven’t gone back from my first visit two months ago. It looks the same way that Duane Reade on Fulton Street Brooklyn before the chain’s mass renovations! I mean these goddamn bitches put the damn tester makeup on! I don’t want to sound paranoid, but Mom always taught me to just swipe the shit on the back of my hand to see if it went with my skin then wipe it off with a tissue. And I do that! Do you know the kinds of bacteria makeup contains? Do you have your fat heads up SPJ’s ass not to know this? I mean motherfucking seriously!

Well Mom likes Trixie and Sugar Fairy and wants a couple of tubes, so I’m going to the Fresh and Bare Escentuals stores in the city. But I don’t have high hopes for cleanliness.

Stay tuned for my next update in my adventures with eye shadow! In all of my makeup wearing years (’round 16) this four-eyed geek has never wore eye makeup. Well, Too Faced was just too hard to resist so I purchased Lash Gasm in black, Lava Gloss liner in Super Gloss Black, Duo Shadows in Lucky Charms and Shamrock Chic, and an eye shadow Blender Brush. Because you have to dress up enough to get all smartassy when they’re giving you the secret personality test during a job interview.

If Foamy was POTUS, the world would be a lot more livelier. You know it's true you fat bastards.

Chocolate fiendishness…

Truth be told I like sweet stuff, but chocolate isn’t high up on the addiction list (that would be mom). As far back as I can remember X-mas wasn’t X-mas without Perugina candies (Baci and the cherry cordials were my favorites) but what trumped the big C was (and always will be) Ferrara Torrone (nougat). Those little white blocks of sugar, egg whites, and almonds was a little gold wrapped packet of joy, and they would be all gone before the first guests would arrive for dinner. Luckily grandma hid the giant bars (the kind you need a butcher’s knife to cut) from me, or 25% of dessert would be missing.

But as of late my Irish grandpa’s side had been niggling me, and being broke and having a big desire to stay sober has made me look for alternatives. I despise coffee and always liked me tea Irish (as in a shot of Irish whiskey in my Irish breakfast tea) or a chilled, frothy Baileys Irish Cream hit the spot on dog day afternoons like these (toss some ice in a blender, add some Baileys caramel –chop-chop/whir-whir– and things were looking a bit Rosie O’Grady). Then while doing some shopping for Irish cream cocoa I stumbled upon Chocolates Turin on Amazon, and what were they selling? Bailey’s Irish Cream filled chocolates!

Now this wasn’t the first liquor-filled candy I’d had- Perugina chocolates have an anisette flavored line (BLECH!) and cherry cordials are usually filled with sweet liqueur- but these were a bit different. So I took a chance after I read the labeling (21 to buy). I knew that with this heat I could end up with a plastic jar of sugary liquor goo, but having a birthday in the spring where sudden heat waves aren’t uncommon, I thought it best to freeze it after unboxing. It came two days ago and the packaging was really nice- a plastic vase holding 51 pieces of dark chocolate wrapped around Baileys original goodness. I couldn’t help myself so I ripped it open and the pungent aroma of manna from heaven tickled my sensitive nostrils! The chocolate was nothing more than a melted blob in the Bailey’s orange-gold inner foil and I ended up licking it off, but God it was like a mini-shot of Baileys! I was in love! In no way can you get drunk off of liquor-filled candy, but it’s a sweet buzz on your tongue. I was even more excited when I saw some more great flavors advertised on the website, but I could only manage to track down Kahlua and Jose Cuervo and I await my orders with baited breath (but I’m determined to find the white Cherries chocolates).

But to be truthful I only got this chocolate hankering when I was rummaging through Target looking for the dwindling remains of Soap & Glory. Boots is a cheap-ass brand that Target’s been hawking for the past few years or so (Rimmel is no better and yet CVS is stuffed to the gills with the shit) but the only good thing that came out of this unrevolutionary union was S&G and it’s sweet-scented, obnoxious pink and yellow retro model packaging made Maybelline curl up and cry in bed. And while Mother Pucker and Slimwear weren’t in my arsenal, the perfumes, the Righteous Butter, Glow Lotion, and body scrubs have a home in my armoire (S&G is dumping Target, stay tuned to find out who they’ll be contracting to distribute next).

I especially took a fat liking to Sugar Crush body scrub (15 oz.), it became my replacement when St. Ives body scrubs vanished from NYC Rite Aid shelves. I never knew what the fuck sugar scrubs were all about, I always saw them in the wannabe overhyped, insane-o priced Bath and Body Works with the bath salts. It really wasn’t until I was doing research into cellulite appearance reduction that I got into scrubs. Exfoliating is good for everybody at any age, but once you hit 30 your cellular turnover starts to get hungover and needs a shot of B-12. St. Ives released its “Body Polishes” (8 oz.)  for a decent price of $8 and I used Renewing (renamed Collagen Elastin) and Smoothing (Mineral Therapy, now). If you could find them in a beauty supply shop, you’ve hit the jackpot! Other than that go to Amazon and order them in packs of 3. Whatever you do DON’T get water into the pots, the scrub will dissolve. If you’re like me- waking up dehydrated- Renewing is best. It smells like lemon sugar cookies and it has fine grains so it’s probably the gentlest. Smoothing smells like sugary butter cream and has a lighter tone and texture than the St. Ives apricot facial scrub. A bit harsher, but when you’re out of the shower your skin shines!

S&G’s Sugar Crush has a thicker consistency and smells like a Caipiroska! Be careful if you have any scratches because SC contains real lime and salt, but you will feel fresh and invigorated! If you insist on Fatgirlscrub (8 oz.), keep in mind that ANY scrub can help with cellulite visibility  reduction and that if any of the creams “work”, think of them as wrinkle creams for your ass. The skin will tighten (temporarily) and caffeine is a wonderful diuretic. Activity and better eating help too. Another pair of fab S&G scrubs are Scrub ‘Em and Leave ‘Em Body Buff and Flake Away (both 10.1 oz). FA smells like grapefruit and is more salt than sugar, it will have a sheen of almond oil that’s terrific for moisturizing and again watch out if you have any open wounds. The BB is pink and quite heavy- think of a cotton candy paste. It’s also a companion to the S&G body spray, Mist You Madly, and don’t forget to slather on The Righteous Butter or Daily Smooth for that extra moisturizing.

Care for an exotic get away? Then I’ll just book you on the next flight to Fiji… Organic that is. Now this one requires a little maintenance. I have the Lavender sugar scrub (this is heavy on the patchouli) so the scent is quite tangy, but nothing too threatening. Now when you first open it there will be a quarter inch of coconut oil over the sugar- it’s supposed to be like that! Keep it in warm temperatures, and if it solidifies, whatever you do DON’T microwave it! Place the covered pot into a bowl of warm water to melt the oil. There will also be a scoop in there to help you apply, but feel free to toss it if it doesn’t jive (I did). Another thing, this shit is the real deal- I mean Sugar In The Raw! Take your time when rinsing, and don’t use soap to get it off.

Now here’s where Count Chocula kicked Eddiekins ass and bit me. I was desperately searching for a price tag for the LAST S&G organdy bath pouf when I thought somebody left an open can of Milo in the makeup aisle. I look to the side and see this Giovanni Hot Chocolate thing sitting there, the lid was partly spun off so I took a whiff and be goddamned, the shit smelled like Nestle! But no way in fuck was I dropping $19 for 9 oz. Curiosity having been piqued I scoured Amazon and found something better: Organic Dark Mocha Body Scrub– 13 oz. $22. Now this whole organic/natural ingredients/all natural hype-fad shit doesn’t faze me. When you grow some vegetables in a hothouse with animal shit it shouldn’t cost $6 for 3 medium-sized tomatoes while 1 beef tomato is just $2. But being a fan of Belgian dark chocolate (fuck you Empire Foods!) you just put your principles out of your mind. I’ve used the shit twice now, and I ordered the white chocolate one and another with blood oranges in it (I just really love those oranges). The mocha scrub also contains coffee, so when you apply it will look like someone just dumped Oreo Blizzard on you with a smattering of your favorite k-cup. The damn thing looks and smells like Smucker’s chocolate sauce, but if you dare to have a lick it tastes like Cascade. It washes off you and the tiles super quick, so no need to get pissy about staining.

I recommend you hide this from your significant other and sprogs. This is one treat you won’t want to share. 😉