If not now, WEN?

If Richard Simmons, Debra Messing, and that preggo Streisand-wannabe dumb bitch from Glee taught me anything, it’s to trust your best gay- especially if he does your hair!

The first time I ordered off QVC it was Dennis Basso’s faux fur blankets (I own two- mink and lynx- and the leopard print I gave to my BFF), and it was around that time when I saw- and heard- the presenters, models, and callers creaming their mom jeans on this religion called WEN. Developed by stylist Chaz Dean, he (like the rest of his celebrity ilk) is hellbent on changing the world one head of hair at a time banning shampoo forever! Back the fuck up, mom and I screamed! How in high holy hell can you clean your hair without shampoo? We ignored the WENNITES until a week ago.

When K came round to file the ole 1040 for us mom asked what shampoo she used. Since she’s black I assumed she used Pink, Dark n’ Lovely, and the slew of relaxers and other nappy hair treatments you’d find at the far back corner of the Duane Reade shampoo aisle and beauty supply shop I’d seen her buy countless times. Nope! She was a WENNITE, converted by our other friend Mika. Like the QVC idiots, K glossed on and on about Chaz’ baby and educated us on what a cleansing conditioner was. When I translated for mom we were still skeptical, but despite the price, she encouraged us to take the plunge. We had no choice. Seriously.

When mom went into menopause, her hair became an unmanageable bedhead rat’s nest forcing her to wash it every motherfucking morning. Now we all know that washing your hair daily strips your hair of all moisture, but mom didn’t seem to have a problem because her L’Oreal Color Vive shampoo and conditioner was her DOC for over 25 years. Then the corporate assfucks bought their competition (CoverGirl, Maybelline, and Max Factor) and all went to hell. When the global markets crashed (with the ponzis fueling that fire) quality products turned to shit, and beauty and personal care weren’t immune. In 2011/12 it became harder for me to find L’Oreal hair care products until they eliminated the Color Vive line for this green sulfide-free (and more expensive for less in the tube) trendy bullshit line. Mom went through $100 worth of other brands only for them to end up in the recycling bin because of the damage they caused. Then two months ago after customers more than likely bombarded L’Oreal’s inboxes with death threats did they relaunch Color Vive renaming and repackaging it using the Glee dumb ho as its spokestwat. But the formula was fucked with (to save $$$) and while it did the trick for mom’s hair, it lacked magic. Still better than nothing.

But my hair has been giving me nothing but grief for the last 18 years. PCOS women have acute frizziness, dandruff, breakage, and hair loss caused by hormone imbalances. I had hair loss at 12, and then when I was 14 my shiny smooth hair went berserk. It looked like I had a tumbleweed on my head with chunks of my scalp lifting off every time I pulled a brush through it, and the scabs were so thick you could see them at my temples. In other words, I was pretty popular. I was 24 when I finally became a redhead and what people may not understand is that ammonia and peroxide- the dominant chemicals in all hair dyes (except the bullshit ones which are ALL save for L’Oreal)- are also major components in relaxers. It was taming my frizz but it remained bushy, breaking, and a big fucking mess during the rainy season. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was nearly 30 and went vegan after that, but my hair remained a problem. Doc said my hair would start behaving once I got on birth control, but alas, no insurance. I did some online research and began a supplement regimen in addition to my multivitamin that included biotin. I take biotin and used biotin shampoo and conditioner, but the dandruff and breakage is still a misery.

Enter WEN Six Thirteen. Now for the noob I ordered the gift set and that includes a 16 oz. bottle of Six Thirteen and a 4 oz. bottle of replenishing mist. It’s prettily boxed with the pump boxed separately because the product is so fucking thick it will spurt out if you put it in. My suggestion is to use the product first and then insert the pump. The WEN comb is necessary, but isn’t included with this set so I bought it off Amazon for $13. The instructions aren’t intimidating as you might think (emphases mine):

Rinse hair thoroughly and completely with cool water for at least 1 minute. Daily Cleansing Treatment should be applied in four sections: the crown of your head, the nape/back of head, ends to the left side of your hair and ends to the right side of your hair.

 For hair above your shoulders, use a minimum of 6-8 pumps.

For hair down to your shoulders, use a minimum of 8-10 pumps.

For hair past your shoulders use a minimum of 10-12 pumps.

For hair to your mid-back use a minimum of 12-14 pumps.

 Add a splash of water to help evenly distribute through the ends and massage vigorously into scalp for 2-3 minutes. Comb through with a wide-tooth comb and clip hair up for the remainder of the shower. Leave on for at least 3-5 minutes. The longer you leave it on the better for maximum results. Rinse with cool water thoroughly for 1-2 minutes by massaging your scalp and running your fingers through to the ends.While hair is soaking wet, apply a dime size amount of the Daily Cleansing Treatment as a leave-in conditioner starting from the back of the head through to the ends.

 For thicker/coarser hair increase amount of pumps in order to thoroughly hydrate and cleanse the scalp and ends.

 If you choose to rinse and repeat, use half the amount of suggested pumps for each cleansing.

As I initiated some hours ago the breakage and color bleeding was still present, but I’ll tell you this I hadn’t been able to take a comb to my hair since childhood. The top layer is still damaged and bushed out, but my hair is lighter, softer, and is able to separate and fall easier. I used eight products (including shampoo and conditioner) to get my hair to behave and it felt flat, weighted, and unclean. I’m giving WEN until the end of this bottle, and with the rains just weeks away the next 3 days will be Chaz’ first exam with the cold, dampness, and humidity on the schedule. If I get results he’s got a new customer, and I can mix and match my WEN! The best thing to do is check out the WEN_comparison_chart to see which product is good for you. In my case the fig line is probably best because it tackles damage and coarseness. Personally I can’t wait to get the intensive oil treatments so I could finally retire the cold pressed argan oil and keep it for my skin. WEN also has a kids line and can be used on your pets. I mean, who wouldn’t want beautiful coats like Hunter, Spencer, and Ella?

Sephora, surprisingly ghetto

I am not ashamed to say that I like Sephora, I’m just ashamed that I have patronized its stores. There are two main hubs in NYC, across the street from Herald Square’s Macy’s (and one door up from Old Navy) and on Union Square (on the same block as Barnes & Noble’s).

It really is for the SATC wannabes and their gays, but I will say the Union Square Sephora doesn’t blast their Euro-techno-rave-dance-pop epic fail bullfuck (unlike Aerosoles- OMG WTF!). I am a red lipstick addict and had have been on the safari (of “Dr. Livingston, I presume?” epic proportions) for the perfect shade for years.

1) Graftobian- red (Their red glitter is cool too.)

2) Maybelline Color Sensational– Red Revival and Very Cherry

3) Kat Von D Painted Love lipstick– Hellbent, Underage Red, and limited edition Adora (I used to get this shade of red back in high school in the 99 cent stores and Rite Aid. How far we have fallen.)

4) Too Faced Lip of Luxury– Runway Red and Drop Dead Red

5) DuWop– Private Red (doesn’t change shade for shit, and yes Smeyer has her Twifuck makeup line with these asshats)

And BIG surprise (for some one who assiduously avoided lip glosses from their 90s hype like the motherfucking plague):

6) Buxom Big and Healthy lip gloss and full-color polish- Trixie, Betsy, Vanessa, Charity, Ginger, Betty, and Roxanne.  And they all do Barcelona. (And, no, they really don’t plump up your lips. But it will be nice and tingly and no stickiness or tack.)

7) Fresh– Sugar Shag (I also love their Sake and Cannabis Santal fragrances, but get Bvlgari Blv Pour Homme on Amazon.)

Now my beef is with the fucking customers. You’d think with these predominantly skinny white girls running around like chickenheads the moment Lee Byung-hun walks into a room ready to line up, they’d be a little bit more… I don’t know… HYGIENIC with the fucking testers! It’s a goddamn wreck at the Herald Square Sephora (only a tenth or two better at Union Square) and I haven’t gone back from my first visit two months ago. It looks the same way that Duane Reade on Fulton Street Brooklyn before the chain’s mass renovations! I mean these goddamn bitches put the damn tester makeup on! I don’t want to sound paranoid, but Mom always taught me to just swipe the shit on the back of my hand to see if it went with my skin then wipe it off with a tissue. And I do that! Do you know the kinds of bacteria makeup contains? Do you have your fat heads up SPJ’s ass not to know this? I mean motherfucking seriously!

Well Mom likes Trixie and Sugar Fairy and wants a couple of tubes, so I’m going to the Fresh and Bare Escentuals stores in the city. But I don’t have high hopes for cleanliness.

Stay tuned for my next update in my adventures with eye shadow! In all of my makeup wearing years (’round 16) this four-eyed geek has never wore eye makeup. Well, Too Faced was just too hard to resist so I purchased Lash Gasm in black, Lava Gloss liner in Super Gloss Black, Duo Shadows in Lucky Charms and Shamrock Chic, and an eye shadow Blender Brush. Because you have to dress up enough to get all smartassy when they’re giving you the secret personality test during a job interview.

If Foamy was POTUS, the world would be a lot more livelier. You know it's true you fat bastards.

The great funbag debate: breast reduction

So you go to your GP because your back’s been fucking you over for a while now. He/she examines you and they give you the news:

“You need a breast reduction.”

Now there are two ways you can approach this scenario: 1) Ignore the doctor, continue to suffer in silence or ruin everybody’s fucking day with your pissing and moaning, eventually resulting in permanent damage to your spinal cord rendering you a hunchbacked near-invalid with a painkiller addiction… But no worries! The memories of all those men rubbing their faces in your Gargantuan cleavage like the disgusting pug in Turner & Hooch saying Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-itski! warm you at night as your at home nurse tucks you in and puts on your sleep apnea oxygen mask.

…Or swallow your pride, go home, tell your boyfriend/husband/baby daddy what the good doc said and that you will be seeking out a plastic surgeon. If he’s a good guy he’ll take your hand, say he’ll always love you and think you’re beautiful, then bite his lip, go to a dive, tie 10 on and sob to his boys that his favorite chew toys will be retiring. Then he’ll stumble back to his place, pass out and wake up with a fucker of a hangover, but when he next sees you pain-free and face aglow, he’ll know it’ll all be good.

But if he’s a bad guy he’ll take your hand, and say: “Let’s get a second opinion.” Or maybe he’ll pull out the last sex video you uploaded and say how much he’ll miss that. Better yet, he’ll suggest a new diet to take some of the fat off your breasts (as well as your ass for good measure), maybe some exercises or go bra shopping that will have better back support.

Just to let you ladies know: MEN DO NOT HAVE BREASTS! THEY CAN NEVER KNOW WHAT A PAIN IN THE ASS THEY REALLY ARE! AND THEY’RE NOT HELPING YOU, ONLY THEMSELVES!!!

Unless they’re 600 lbs. and that’s whole other rant…

What is I’m trying to say is dickwads and dumb hos, large breasts aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. When I said to Kaye that as soon as I fall into some insurance or make some money my 38 DDDs will be a single C and lifted. She threw a fit and said how wrong I was. And this is a woman who was born with lower back scoliosis under her 42 DDDs and her petite mother is in the F-range whose GP has told her she desperately needs a reduction. But getting dick is more important than having a healthy body. That says a lot about their self-esteem.

Kaye’s boyfriend also refuses to use rubbers, and she can’t use hormonal birth control anymore. Know why? The estrogen is enlarging her lymph nodes, so her breasts are getting too big for her bras… and she worships Victoria’s Secret push-ups.

My chest udders grew out of control because of genetics (Dad’s mom was huge) and my relationship with food. I’ve been a vegetarian for two years on a strict low-cal diet, and have lost weight. But I have a bread addiction, and am an emotional eater- when I’m depressed or pissed I eat. So I yo-yo. I’ve been like this all my life, so I suspect that there’s not only a psychological reason for this. I think I have PCOS #mce_temp_url# and I suspect other female members of my mother’s family do too.

Usually women find out that they have this bullfuck when they’re trying to get knocked up. Infertility/difficulty conceiving is a major indicator, but since I’m childfree and NOT trying to get knocked up, I fit into the other categories. Getting tested requires having to find a specialist, and you have a battery of tests to submit to- all of which will suck moolah out of your ass and your insurance may be bitchy and refuse to cover you.

The point is I will be getting my reduction with pride. I’m doing all the research and am happy that I’m not the only chick under 30 who has been fucked in the ass with unbearable, saggy tatas, and want to be free of half of them. I’ll support all you chicks who may or may not be getting much loving from your loved ones about it, because they’re our bodies and we know what’s best for them!

So fuck all you chauvinistic asswipes! Just to let you know I’m a size queen who likes ’em big n’ circumcised! Can’t handle it? Oh well…