Fifty Shades of Twifuck Fanfic Bullshit!

Now you understand why I only visit Barnes & Noble’s for the restroom.

Now even Wikipedia reported that Mrs. Erica Leonard uploaded Fifty Shades of Grey as Master of the Universe (I really fucking hate this bitch because she has destroyed the good names of He-Man and She-Ra!) Twifuck fanfic under the pseudonym of “Snowqueen’s Icedragon.” I found the .pdf and have skimmed over it, and let me tell you it is a 604-page assload of shit! At least the British wildebeest admitted she spewed it under the duress of a midlife crisis. As a fan of Anais Nin, Alina Reyes, and Anne Rice (before her Catlick reconversion) I can say this is unequivocally poorly written and poorly researched in the BDSM department. Perhaps she should’ve opened up communications with Sapio Slut and asked her a few questions concerning her relationship with her dom lover. OR she could’ve watched Cool Devices. Not that this had a chance in the seven circles of hell with proper research and editing.

How low can the publishing industry stoop? I did some research and looking at a Blogger link for the MOTU fic-shit, in 2010 all these screaming Twifuck teen and cougar idiots gave the fic 40,000 gay disco ball sparkling reviews. I guess Mrs. Leonard took her experience as a British TV exec decided to do what the entertainment industry does best: rehash, repackage, and re-release. In 3-D. Incidentally Erica is Chilean/Scottish, married to somebody who’s as mental as she is, attended the University of Kent and majored in HISTORY before getting her first real job as a studio manager’s assistant at the National Film and Television School in London. Oh yeah, I’m sure she’s done a fuckload of writing…

Incidentally, her publisher is The Writer’s Coffee Shop (which is formatted a bit like Ellora’s Cave), be sure to read the submission guidelines, and remember, anybody can be a writer. It doesn’t matter if you’re not any good… And if you need an agent ring up Valerie Hoskins since she did such a good job with Erica!

Valerie Hoskins Associates
20 Charlotte Street
London
W1T 2NA

email: info@vhassociates.co.uk

phone: 020 7637 4490

REGISTERED ADDRESS
Valerie Hoskins Associates Limited
8 The Glasshouse
49A Goldhawk Road
London
W12 8QP

REGISTERED NUMBER 2435715

P.S. They might be optioning this for a screenplay. Your best bet into what this pile of fuck might look like, DL The Secretary.

P.P.S. If you have any questions regarding the .pdf email me.

“Music is disposable now. It doesn’t have the emotional impact anymore. That’s sad.” – Bob Welch (1945-2012), Fleetwood Mac guitarist.

Pwned! Red Riding Hood novel

Well like Bree Tanner, I decided to look up the Red Riding Hood novel. And after what I read on Amazon.com, the public got epically pwned (as in bleeding from the asshole).

Could you get any more, I don’t know, OBVIOUS that the corporations are creating Twifuck 2.0?

Valerie/RRH – (Amanda Seyfried) Bella-Smeyer II who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jane and twice as sexless.

Peter/Woodsman/Big Bad Werewolf – (Shiloh Fernandez) Jacob without the black, emo to the hilt, and like Eddiekins will stop at nothing (including bloodshed) to ensure sweet Val would be his one and only.

Henry/Val’s rich fiancee – (Max Irons) Dull and lifeless like Edward but a bigger pushover than Jake. Wants Val’s unrequited love more than anything he’s and is willing to save her from Peter-Beowulf despite the fact she could care less about him.

But all that matters is that they are all pretty, share long, blank gazes, and that there’s a red hood on the girl’s head as she says, “Oh grandmother, what big eyes you have”- insta-blockbuster!

My big thing is who in the ass is Sarah Blakely-Cartwright, and why is Hardwicke’s name on the cover instead of hers? I know Hachette’s desperately trying to keep its Twifuck cash cow on life support, but do you think the uncultivated ability of a recent Barnard College grad was the way to do it? Smeyer makes this infant look educated, but do you think passages such as this is a great leap:

“I’m not going to force you to marry me,” Henry went on, not requiring her to respond, a gentleman to the end.

Somehow, her heart broke watching his do the same. Again, she thought of burying her head in his chest, of the safety he offered her. She had enough of danger, of trauma and passion. She was angry with herself; why couldn’t she love Henry?

“I know you don’t want to be with me.”

His honesty was a shock.

Because it was all she could think to do, Valerie fumbled to unclasp her bracelet, and at last succeeding, gave it back to him.

“I’m so sorry.” She heard herself saying the empty words, something she tried never to do. Having nothing else, she used them anyway, knowing they were a pathetic offering.

He was gone in an instant, the only noise now the afternoon crawl of the muddy stream. Standing under the silent sun of mid-morning, she was left to weigh Henry’s words. She couldn’t think about it too long, though, because if she did, there came a shameful rush of fire, flames flicking and blazing behind her ribs.

And you’ve got to hand it to Hachette’s PR department! Let’s release an INCOMPLETE novel and have the teen asshats DL the last chapter after the film opening for their iPuds and Kindling! And then as I’m lining up to take a piss at B&N there I’ll see with the rest of the RRH merch, the complete hardcover novel with the movie poster cover.

I will say the cinematography is clever, playing up the colors makes it look less grayscale. The red cape and its CGI bloodstain/spatter effects are the usual trope, but it’s still cool. I liked the costuming better in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow (saw that 9 times in theatres- the discount theatre was still open in Manhattan), and I do admit I hold period dramas to his standard, but the renaissance peasant garb here looks way too clean and Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre-esque to be taken seriously. Cindy Evans should’ve watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for initial research. Amanda’s jewelry is okay looking, and will be Hot Topic silver-painted plastic/copper fodder for the Hot Topic fantards (like AIW, unfortunately). If WB’s smart enough, they’d license pricier merch for The Noble Collection.

In the novel Blakely-Cartwright doesn’t really give background on the time period RRH is set in or where Daggerhorn is. The film is adapted from the most popular adaptation by the Brothers Grimm, making it to be roughly 700 years old. So is RRH 14th century Britain or Bavaria? Judging by the stills I’ve seen of the woodcutter’s house, it looks like it was heavily influenced by the log house dachas in Ivan the Terrible’s Russia (but Gary Oldman looks a bit like Peter the Great). The gilded angel on the shutters resembles Andrei Rublev’s iconography, and the wooden cross over Peter’s parents’ graves still exist in the Russian countryside marking orthodox churches, monasteries, and holy pilgrimage sites. So whether it be 700 years in the past or a post-apocalyptic future, the teen imaginariums will soar… but hopefully not sparkle.

UPDATE: Since it’s not illegal, here’s the last chapter to the RRH fail novel: Red Riding Hood – last chapter

And now for your not-so off topic enjoyment, some anti-Twifuck pwnage:

We can only wish this happened in the movies

Eddiekins' worst nightmare!

Love DN, but hate Misa (although not as much as Eddiekins)

While I can't stand Cho (and Ginny-Sue for that matter), NO WAY can you put her on the same level of suck-ass as Bella-Smeyer

Hong Kong On Air WITH Muhammad Cohen

I love root canals. I love relatives. I love the fact that I got both at the same time! The only good that came out of this Labor Day holiday (besides Jerry Lewis) was that I got to do my emergency root canal at my local dentist instead of going out to Hell (a.k.a. Ave. P and Ocean Parkway, a.k.a. Black Hatville) to the orthodontist. Dr. B. did my root canal in three sections and I got my final filling in a couple of days ago. Thanks again for your patience Doc, and hope you had a Happy Rosh Hashanah.

BUT putting all that drama aside, I have spent a way-cool week or so with author (and journalist) Muhammad Cohen rapping about his inaugural novel, Hong Kong On Air, and his take on mainstream publishing and self-publishing. Here is the interview:

ME: I realize that you’re a busy man but as a big fan of your book and a journalism student who has dreamed of living in HK since childhood (from a steady diet of Bruce Lee movies), I have to ask you for a little insight behind the publishing of your book. I have been involved in a debate with naive (delusional) people who champion self-publishing/vanity presses. Since your publisher Blacksmith Books truly lives up to the name “indie”, agents and publishing houses do take a considerable financial risk whenever they sign up a first time talent. I am also aware that publishing a book of 454 pages for a first time author is also something to be avoided in the mainstream industry. I can only suppose that BB was using you as you were using it with your experience as a TV journalist and citizen of Britain’s last Asian outpost to generate tourism since the Asian economic collapse in ’98 and the SARS outbreak in ’03 (and BB specializes in HK tourism books does it not?).

MC: Thanks so much for the note and for being a fan. For what it’s worth, I’m enjoying your blog, even if my third decade is a rather distant and sketchy memory.

Your interest in self-publishing vs. traditional publishing is very timely in any era when anyone can publish anything. It’s also timely because Hong Kong On Air is being released in bookstores in the US this month. [YES!!!]

I’ve got experience with both self-publishing and traditional publishers. But no matter how you do it, the bottom line is getting read. (And before you even worry about that, you have to get the work written.)

When I was in graduate school, Apple offered students a special deal on its newly released Macintosh. I bought one as a substitute for my typewriter. Once I had the Mac, I realized I could use it to make headlines, and that meant I could publish a newsletter. I’d started doing some baseball writing for a local weekly and had more material than the paper could use so I had content for the newsletter. In this era, I would have started a blog.

No matter the form, two key points. First, I had a reasonable goal: get noticed for bigger and better projects. Second, I had a plan to get the newsletter read, though a combination of free distribution and advertising to attract (paying) readers. It took years and thousands of dollars to begin to see meaningful results. But it did work, and I made a living as a baseball writer for several years, propelled into the profession by the newsletter. The takeaway is that it may be worth spending some time and money to promote your work if you want to get noticed.

Remember that 25 years ago, the publications universe was a lot smaller, so it was infinitely easier to get noticed if you were moderately clever and could pinpoint contacts that could help you move ahead. Now, there are thousands rather than dozens knocking on the same doors, so it’s a lot more difficult to get on anyone’s radar.

My novel Hong Kong On Air was a completely different story from my newsletter. I don’t know if I would have considered self-publishing if I hadn’t found a traditional publisher. In retrospect, I think self-publishing the novel would have been a huge mistake.

First, about my publisher, Blacksmith Books: it is a Hong Kong publisher but doesn’t specialize in tourism books. It focuses on Hong Kong and China, and that’s a tip for finding a publisher and an audience. If you or your book have connections to affinity groups, use those links to generate interest. Hong Kong On Air was too long and too leftfield – a tale of love, betrayal, high finance and cheap lingerie – for many publishers, but it fit Blacksmith’s catalogue, and the publisher thought it was a good story.

While I was a first time novelist, I’ve had non-fiction books published (under different names) along with a couple of ongoing professional writing gigs. I also do know the TV news business inside-out (that’s less true of women’s underwear) and I brought a unique perspective on Hong Kong (to your interest in the Fragrant Harbor, I once lived around the corner from a Bruce Lee tribute bar run by a Westerner who played a villain in one of his movies). But the main factor was that Blacksmith liked the book.

The challenge with any book is finding readers. Having a traditional publisher made it far easier for Hong Kong On Air to get reviews and other forms of publicity, at least on home turf in Hong Kong. (You can see some of what we managed on the website Blacksmith set up and maintains for the book www.hongkongonair.com) A traditional publisher also gets your book into bookstores, Amazon, etc, and deals with all the bookkeeping that involves. Yes, if you self-publish, you can do all of that yourself, but that’s the key – you have to do it all yourself. Besides the time and effort involved – and as a writer, you didn’t sign up that stuff for when you joined the club – you also need to establish credibility.

The writing universe is divided in many slices: writers, published writers, published fiction writers, published novelists, produced playwrights, anthologized poets, etc, and each category is sliced further. Having a non-US publisher puts me around the midway point on the published novelist scale, and that means I get more opportunities than authors lower on the totem pole. Of course, you have to take advantage of those opportunities. Unless you’re with one of the very top publishers, you won’t get reviewed unless you push, and no matter who your publisher is you’ve got act as your own publicist (or hire one).

I do have friends who have published themselves successfully. Both are overseas. One is a novelist who does literary and genre fiction as well as occasional non-fiction. He already had a publisher and a following, but thought he could do better himself. His wife set up the publishing company and runs the business. The other is a self-employed professional who is an inveterate social networker and self-promoter who published a how-to book with a very specific, targeted market.

My blog is syndicated at www.SpeakWithoutInterruption.com, a site that attracts a lot of aspiring writers as both contributors and readers. There’s a lot of talk there about self-publishing and no shortage of stories of disappointments and some outright scams. So if you do self-publish, you’ve got to be very careful about who you deal with.

What’s amazed me about my experience is that you can get published, get good reviews, publicize tirelessly – I mention Hong Kong On Air in virtually all of the 150-plus times I’m published in print or online – and still barely make a rippled in the ocean of books out there. When you publish yourself, you’ve just made the task of getting noticed and read even more difficult and you’ve got less help to make it happen. It’s not impossible, but the odds are against you.

Hope these thoughts are helpful. To reinforce the point about publicizing your work, I hope you’ll include my tag line below. Again, many thanks for asking.

Fucking A, right? I want to congratulate Muhammad on his US release of HKOA, and would the bar owner be Oharra by any chance? Well here’s to the return of quality writing, but with the fad created by the waifish self-deluded and indulgent Eat Pray Love, I’d say we have still a ways to go.

Totally globalized native New Yorker and former broadcast news producer Muhammad Cohen is author of Hong Kong On Air, a novel set in his adopted hometown during the 1997 handover about television news, love, betrayal, financial crisis, and cheap lingerie. Follow Muhammad Cohen’s blog on the media and happens in Asia. His work also appears regularly in Asia Times, The Guardian, and Macau Business magazine.

Sorting Hat: good and bad of digital and self-publishing

Okay, I’ve been getting knocked on the head (a bit) concerning my rant on the failure that is self-publishing, ebooks, and digital presses. So I posted on sffworld.com to get some practical advice on the LEGITIMATE publishing industry.

ME: My two MS’s (over 100k words, I admit) were reviewed by editors in the industry that were friends of a college prof of mine (legitimately published in non-fiction) and I was told that I had talent, I work hard, but I’m not marketable. Two years later an Arizonan airhead was paid $750k for a sparkling Mormonpire series. I’m working on a third MS, so should I just wait until the idiotic trends are done, and agents are more willing to give a chance to people who LIKE to research and work?

SHEVDON: Bear in mind, rubym3575, that this is not a competition. There are no winners and losers and just because someone in Arizona gets paid a lot of money does not mean you are on the side-lines.

Think positively about this. If a whole new generation of teenagers, particularly girls, are introduced to speculative fiction, then that means they will be looking for something to read when they have finished the Arizonan’s masterwork. Perhaps your story, your idea, will be what they are searching for?

You cannot change what is already written and already published. You can only change what you write and make that the best that it can be. You can learn, improve and develop so that your writing stands out as being imaginative, rich and deep. Then your writing will get published because it is superb, and not because it is better or worse than someone else’s.

Do you really want to be published as the successor of someone else’s success?

I hear what you’re saying Shevdon, but I was raised to believe that there are winners and losers in life. The winners get thousands of dollars in advances and royalties and are able to buy the house, the car, buy jewelry, expand their personal libraries, get insured, pay bills and debts with not a care in the world because they know they have the money, and the world in the palm of their hand. Also, Writer Beware does (time and again) state that getting published LEGITIMATELY is a HIGHLY competitive industry. So you have a heart, but that’s where liberalism fails and I couldn’t help but pick up the stench of self-published self-deluded dolt.

Well Shevdon turns out to be Mike Shevdon of Bedfordshire, UK and is the author of Sixty-One Nails and its sequel The Road to Bedlam that will soon be out here across the pond in September. His publisher, Angry Robot Books, is an “imprint” of HarperCollins. Now when I went to the site it looked like a glorified blog, and as it turns out it’s set up here on wordpress. Their mission statement goes thusly:

Angry Robot ™ is a new global publishing imprint. Our mission, quite simply, is to publish the best in brand new genre fiction – SF, F and WTF?!

Traditional SF and fantasy has been ploughing an entertaining furrow for many decades, but to our way of thinking much of it is missing a trick. To the new generations of readers reared on Dr Who and Battlestar Galactica, graphic novels and Gears of War 2, old school can mean staid, stuck in a rut. “Crossover” is increasingly the way forward and you’ll find plenty of it here, without batting an eyelid. New heroes and new settings, or maybe just reinventing the wheel, we’re not fussed – if there’s an energy in a book that gets us jumping up and down, we’re all over it.

We know many readers are madly passionate about their genres. Angry Robot is too. If anything, we’re too passionate. We are fans, given at any moment to break into a lengthy harangue about why book X is a lost classic or author Y really should give it up already. The sheer joy, though, of being able to jump onto a table (only sometimes metaphorically) and tell the world about how bloody great a chosen writer or novel is, is what drives Angry Robot.

Run from the UK but publishing worldwide, Angry Robot’s books will pick from a menu of the following formats:

Physical paperbacks – in all good bookstores, worldwide

Limited run special editions – where demand is high enough, as hardcovers or trades, everyday or leatherbound; keep your collection in matching editions

PoD backlistwhen we run out of our early printings, we can now keep copies in print for those who want them, using the latest, very high quality print-on-demand technology

eBooks – downloadable versions of all our titles, across all the main formats including ePub, Kindle and Stanza, alongside their first release anywhere in the world

Downloadable audio – our goal is to release every title we acquire in digital audio format, and we’ll shortly be announcing our first audio initiatives

Well ARB, I couldn’t help but notice that POD parasite there, then again Whorelequin does have DellArte Press to make money off the overdrafted credit cards of the desperately rejected. Mikey boy has seemingly escaped its sticky web if he’s available in brick-and-mortar stores, and I sincerely do hope that your advances and royalties aren’t the pocket change that Lorie O’Clare gets from EC (along with the minute markup she makes on her own).

Now my brother Archer9234 and I have spent hours trying to debunk the bunk that the entertainment industry has become. My beef is publishing, and his is comics (he’s pretty much an expert on it, and I’m trying to get him to audiotape a rant so I can put it up here). Well with the success of Iron Man 2 and the WTF that Jonah Hex was, you can definitely say that the industry is going for a broader audience that doesn’t know jack fuck him in the ass about what they’re watching or reading. I mean John Rambo, Die Hard IV, the X-Men films pretty much says it all: we’ll clean up on the merchandise and hope for the best in ticket sales. JHs sountrack was composed by Mastodon (and was kickass) but I’m not buying it, I’m just waiting until someone uploads it. That’s how much I hate the shit (I saw it on bootleg)! JH was a relatively successful DC character, but (like Captain America) H’Wood will do anything for a buck (John Malkovich was pretty great and I say the same for his performance in Eragon, but seriously he must need the money considering he, Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and her husband the prince of Austrian prostitution were caught in the Madoff trap). They dumb down everything and warp plots just to get the Average Joe and Jane interested in the flashy effects, sexy cast, and will (hopefully) buy the T-shirt (or watch, or flamethrower, or vibrator, or cell phone, ad infinitum…).

But it backfires. The Average Joe and Jane don’t even bother because they don’t want to be caught dead with the comic geeks. They also feel intimidated by the lingo and tech. So the only thing that the studios have left are the DVD sales, and with the multiple releases, they’re sure to at least break even (JH budget: $47 million; gross revenue: $10,226,919). Now for publishing I posted in my rant a link to a little discussion as why suck-ass books get published. Well one of the bloggers spelled it out plain as day: BIG BOX STORES. At the end of the 80s the big box store was breeding past their humble Midwest roots (I first heard of Target in 1998 when Katya Gordeyeva was hawking her fragrance) and we had Caldor for a time until it went belly up in ’99. Then Target and Best Buy sprouted like weeds killing off HMV, Virgin Mega (although it dug its own grave opening up so many locations that failed), Circuit City (see Virgin Mega), and Suncoast. Looking for music, books, manga, comics, and movies isn’t fun anymore- especially when you have some toddler moron running into you at full speed and the mother that’s too busy yakking on her phone who doesn’t give a shit. We have BJ’s and Costco’s here in the Big Apple, but Wal-Mart ain’t welcome (that will certainly ring a death knell for local business including the neighborhood mortuary- and ours just closed up shop after 125 years).

Big box stores create big box mentality: I could digest loads of cheap crap! So books were being written for people that don’t read. Keep it stupid and none too moving, or SO moving you drown in molasses (Bridges of Madison County, Endless Love, and Eat Pray Love) that you forget it’s crap. In the 21st century the new form is called self-publishing and digital publishing. One such author of digital crap is Lorie O’Clare. Now I don’t visit her site often, but she puts out a book a month it seems, and I’m not the only one who has critiqued her as shit. She writes mainly for EC but her crap has landed in brick-and-mortar stores for St. Martin’s Press. Now I have her Lunewulf series, Fallen Gods series, Malta Werewolves series, and Sex Slaves series in 4 paperback volumes and the rest ebooks. Now the romantica genre has many problems that I’ve bitched about before. Romantica publishers have screamed they don’t want purple prose, but whether it’s Whorelequin Blaze or some digital ass all I see is purple prose with cursing!

Now this is a sample of O’Clare’s Malta Werewolves 1:

She knew it would never happen. Bruno had no den. His sire and mother had died when he was a

teenager during one of the raids with the humans. He worked in the tobacco factory. She’d known him

since high school, and she and the other females her age often whispered about him when he drove by on

his motorcycle. A powerful alpha, he didn’t run with the other werewolves. At least not that she’d heard.

Any of the runs she’d been allowed to join, he’d never been present. No one knew him that well. But his

incredible good looks, the way he seemed to stalk anyone he approached—every bitch in the pack

wondered what it would be like to be sought out by Bruno Tangaree. But he was the rogue werewolf,

someone all of them knew they could never be seen with. With no den, no history with the pack, her

parents would have put a leash on her if she’d ever even mentioned his name to them. Bruno was a

werewolf to fantasize about. Larger than most, strong with a deadly stare, he frightened and had her

coming in her panties at the same time.

Yet here she was. In his arms. On the ground. His scent smothering her. And that kiss. That kiss almost

dragged her soul right out of her body. His lips were so soft yet his actions so demanding. Her heart

thudded in her throat. Hell, he’d thrown her to the ground and kissed her so aggressively, for a moment

she thought the change would take over.

Remembering his words about her gifts sobered her enough to regain control of her senses. “We

shouldn’t be doing this,” she whispered, barely able to make her voice work.

“We’re going to be doing a lot of this.” He stroked his rough finger down her cheek and then outlined

her collarbone, stretching his fingers around her neck, tightening his grip, and then relaxing it.

No real fuck scene here, but it was puh-lenty purple prosey! Now here’s a scene from the self-published Concubine by Kota Ozembwe:

“Shiao-Shiao,” First Wife whispered, breaking the strained silence. “When you were a little kid, did you ever read stories about demons?”

Shiao-Shiao didn’t know what to make of the question. Warily, she responded, “My mom once read me a story of a prince who fought an evil king. And the evil king was possessed by the demon, which made him stronger than an army, but it also made him evil.”

First Wife turned her head slightly towards Shiao-Shiao. “It’s not exactly what I had in mind, but that works.” First Wife’s voice sounded raw, somehow stripped of its usual polish. “I have always been good at whatever I did. No, that’s not right. I have always been the best at whatever I did. There is something in me that makes me like that- like some supernatural force that doesn’t know how to lose. I make almost as much as Stan, although he is older and male. It’s a killer instinct so to speak, something without mercy. In any competition, I win. Not just win, but WIN, destroy my competition. Do you know that Ver Publishing drove ten other companies out of business last year? And even if there’s no competition I win anyway.”
See the difference? Concubine is a 150-page novella fuck book. It needs editing- quite a bit frankly- but Ozembwe should’ve gotten a contract and should have been in a compilation book. He/She did the research, the structuring and continuity is good overall, all it needs is some grammatical upkeep. O’Clare did NO research on Malta, didn’t tell us why the den was even in Malta, what their problems were, or say anything remotely interesting about Bruno and Renee except that she’s bitchy and gorgeous, and he’s an ass and gorgeous. Oh, and it was 31 pages. So my complaints aren’t sour grapes- they’re real! People need to wake up and get down to their libraries and go cold turkey on the big box books. Prove to them you can think for yourself.

Why Men Don’t Read: How Publishing is Alienating Half the Population

Some startling statistics

Steve Jobs: “People Don’t Read Anymore,” Android Is Going Down

2008 Romance Fiction Industry Stat Report

Scene of the Twi-crime

“This world is full of flaws.” – Boogiepop (Miyashita Touka), Boogiepop Doesn’t Laugh.

Like the new theme? I figured since it’s been six moths since I started this thing I might as well update the look. And I also recategorized my links (they were in such disarray) so you’ll be able to navigate them easier. Anyhow while I was out and about I thought I’d pay Jodi Viper a visit (not really, my stalking skills aren’t as good as Eddiekins’ or Smeyer’s) so I took a few pics with my DSi of Writer’s House:

Den of literary devils

The scene of the Twi-crime

Graffiti here

They're not even good enough to be called "House of Pancakes"

Run for your life Jodi Viper!

Must be a vampire address vanishing in the sunlight and all...

These pics were taken as of today (7/12/10) and I know that the DSi isn’t the best of digital cameras, take a look the last image. Notice anything interesting? That wasn’t there a few weeks ago when I last passed by, and I can only think that they put the little strip of camo over the addy because of crazed Twifucktards trying to get a peek at their LDS goddess and other idiots coming by with their bullshit expecting a multi-million dollar contract. But if you want the address for either your rotten tomatoes or manuscripts, here it is:

21 West 26th Street
New York, NY 10010-1083
(212) 685-2400

And Jodi Reamer’s contact info (I can only image in number of death threats in her inbox):

Writers House
21 West 26th St.
New York, NY 10010
United States
Phone: (212) 685-2400
Fax: (212) 685-1781

Response Times

responses fastest slowest average
Overall 28 38 days 238 days 61 days
Email 5 0 days 66 days 46 days
Postal Mail 20 38 days 238 days 74 days
Other/ Unspecified 3 0 days 0 days 0 days

Responses

initial follow -up overall
Offers 0 0 0
Requests 2 0 2
Rejected 24 3 24
Withdrawn 2 0 2
There are 50 submissions currently awaiting response.
Hope this helps with your submission process! And don’t forget:
Can you suck some mountain lion blood tonight...
Only Emma Hale and Joseph Smith’s love rival theirs (Fanny Alger included!)

I mean, what the crack, people? You couldn't figure this one out?

Whatever you do, DON'T look into her eyes!

Publishing, behind the scenes

Now that I’ve got a few people’s attentions with my self-publishing vendetta, this might shed some light on how publishing really works. Mind you, I think that wannabe writers have to really be honest when they’re looking at their 50th MS and their 300th rejection letter, and just admit that they’re mad with the industry as they watch literary abominations make millions. Something’s got to give, and it’s not Harlequin Books sending out rejections with a DellArte reference.

This comes from the Absolute Write forum and was posted back in ’05 by Jenna Glatzer:

1. Acquisitions

Acquisitions editors are in charge of finding new manuscripts/proposals for the publisher. There are a few ways your work may end up in front of an acquisitions editor:

-The slush pile. This is the term for unsolicited manuscripts. If you mail a publisher a manuscript or proposal that they haven’t requested, some of them will just mail it back to you unread. Others will pile it up in their offices until a reader gets around to checking it out. This can take anywhere from days to many months.

-Request from a query. If you send an editor an e-mail or letter about your book, the editor may request sample chapters (a “partial”), the whole manuscript, or (in the case of nonfiction books) a book proposal. Now your work isn’t “unsolicited” anymore– it’s solicited. Solicited work tends to get read faster than unsolicited work, but it can still be several months before you get a decision.

-Through an agent. Your agent can get your work read fast if he/she has any clout. Publishers trust agents to bring in projects that are appropriate and of high quality. Particularly if you write novels, it’s to your benefit to have an agent. Real agents don’t charge you anything upfront– they take a commission from your advance and royalties (15%, usually).

-Recommendation or personal meeting. An author may recommend you to his/her editor, or you might meet the editor at a conference or workshop. This puts you into the “solicited” category.

You don’t need an agent to submit to most publishers.

I have never heard of an editor just mailing someone a contract– the editor will call you or e-mail you to tell you that he or she is interested.

At most publishing houses (except the very smallest), the editor will have to pitch the book at an editorial meeting. The editorial board (or the publisher alone) will say yes or no. The marketing people do their projections to see how much profit they think the publisher could make, and what the budget should look like. They research competing books and figure out how well they sold. They may suggest a new title. Then the editor makes an offer. You or your agent go back and forth negotiating until everyone’s happy. You sign the contract and get the first part of your advance. (Advances are typically paid in 2-4 parts.)

2. Developmental Editing

Now you have an editor. If you sold the book based on a proposal or partial, the editor may advise you about what direction he/she wants the book to take, the word count, etc.

You are NOT expected to hire an editor before you submit your work. You are not expected to pay anyone anything. The editor (hired by the publisher) will work with you, making substantive suggestions. The editor may point out where the plot is getting too hairy or complicated, where things are dragging or getting confusing, a character that needs to be cut or better developed, etc. You work back and forth with the editor until you’re both happy with the substance of the book.

3. Copyediting

Then it goes to the copy editor, who works on grammar, spelling, continuity, fact-checking, etc. You will have a chance to review the copy editor’s work. The copy editor may have several questions for you marked on the manuscript. If you disagree with any of the copyedits, you can mark “stet” next to the copy editor’s marking. (“Stet” means “let it stand.”)

4. Proofs

Then it goes to layout, then proofreading. At this point, your manuscript is laid out just how it will be when it’s printed. The proofreader checks for last-minute typos and formatting errors (A-heads that should be B-heads, widows and orphans, wrong italics, tables in the wrong spot, etc.). You get the proofs (also called galleys/gallies) and this is your last chance to review before the book is printed. If your book cover hasn’t been finalized yet, it should be now.

5. Publicity

Now’s when your publicist should swing into high-gear. You’ve probably already filled out a questionnaire by this point detailing any publicity avenues open to you, your speaking experience, your travel plans, etc. The publicist will write a press release, go over a list of where to send advance review copies (the major trade magazines such as Publishers Weekly, Kirkus, Library Journal, etc. get them first), ask you if you want to do local book signings, figure out publications and media venues likely to feature you and make contact, etc.

When people complain that publishers “don’t promote” their books, what they usually mean is that they rarely send authors on tours anymore, and they rarely take out ads in papers, magazines, or TV. Simple reason: They typically don’t pay off. Imagine paying for an author to fly around the country and stay in hotels, only to find that no more than a dozen people show up at these signings. Imagine paying big bucks for an ad and finding that it sells two copies. Much more important are reviews, interviews, speaking engagements, bookstore placement, etc.

Your book’s cover art and description will go into the publisher’s seasonal catalog, which then gets sent out to bookstores and libraries. The distributor’s sales reps pitch the current season’s titles (and any backlist titles that the publisher wants to draw attention to) to the bookstore buyers. The sales reps tell the buyers about any planned publicity– buyers are more likely to order the book if they know it has a big publicity budget or the author has guaranteed media mentions coming up.

The buyer places orders. The publisher decides whether or not to pay for front-of-the-store placement. Those books you see stacked on tables in the front of the store aren’t there by chance– they’re there because the publisher paid for those spots!

The publisher also decides whether to invest in direct mailings (postcards, usually), Amazon promotions, a launch party, etc.

6. Exploiting Other Rights

If the publisher kept these rights, they will attempt to sell the book rights to overseas publishers, book clubs, film companies, etc. You will each get a share of the money. If you kept these rights, you or your agent can work on selling them.

7. And So On

Your publisher may enter your book in contests, put an ad for you in Radio Television Interview Report or similar guest-finder services, bring your book to book fairs, seek out “special sales” (bulk sales to corporations or organizations), offer your book as a giveaway in contests, and other such ongoing promotions. Generally, your publicist will have a limited window of time (3-6 months) when your book is actually on the “top of the pile”– then the publicist needs to concentrate on other books. But even years later, you can still ask the publicist to send someone a review copy, send you flyers to bring to a speaking event, etc.

All the above is based on my experiences. I have written for the following companies, listed in approximate order from smallest to largest: Moo Press, JayJo Books, Mason Crest, Nomad Press, Hunter House, Lyons Press, Adams Media, Andrews McMeel, McGraw-Hill, Penguin Putnam, and Simon & Schuster.

Okay, other published authors and editors, what did I leave out? Anything else you want to add?

This was added by underthecity:

Good communication. Obviously it’s not recommended that you constantly bug your editor, you are normally able to call and/or email during the production process. In the last phase of my recent project, the copyeditor spoke to me on the phone about several points throughout the manuscript.

Author’s copies. Publishers normally offer a set amount of free author’s copies, but the author can request more–and will get it. The author also gets a good discount from the publisher when he wants to buy some copies for himself. Or will sell the author copies against future royalties.

Distribution. Bookstores will stock the book from sea to shining sea. All the author has to do is show up and sign on-hand copies. Even regional and small presses get their books into stores without the author having to do anything.

Aruna says:

If you are published in the UK, your books will be sent all over the world (I don’t know how this works for US authors). I have a “schedule” of where my books are sold, a list of over 100 countreis starting with Andorra and ending with Zimbabwe, including countries such as Israel, Seychelles, Monaco; in fact, every single country in the world EXCEPT USA and Canada!

That is because I would need a separate contract for US and Canadian rights.
Despite this, a few of my books were actually stocked at amazon.com for several years; now they have run out.

Advances. The advance your publisher gives you is an advance on royalties. The amount you get represents the amount your publisher thinks they can make with your book, and is usually at least a few thousand dollars or pounds. Even if your book does not “earn out”, you never have to repay the advance.
A publisher which only pays you one dollar advance is not taking a chance on you. It is telling you that it doesn’t think your book can earn back more than a dollar.

Feel a bit more “in the know”? Hope it helped you with a few things. Sometimes we need to just step back, take a breather, and enjoy scribbling the fanfic. ‘Cause the real deal ain’t comin’ for us any time soon!

Tprinces, I’m worried about you

Just thought I’d say how worried I am about Tprinces. If you know who Ruthie is, I wish that you would show her this thread about American Book Publishing on Absolute Write’s forum: American Book Publisher – Writer Beware!

I know it’s old, but criminals usually don’t turn over a new leaf. Honey, you’re 18 (and a tad overconfident), and when I dropped you the line about self-publishing/vanity press/publishing on demand/online publishing/subsidy publishing I was greatly relieved that your mom is an attorney that’s looking over the contract to ensure you will retain your creative rights. But that isn’t a fail safe. Many smart, professional people have been duped because their belief in their dream can put up blinders. And that’s what self-publishers want.

They’re only after your mom’s hard-earned cash, and your dreams could get destroyed like a sandcastle in a tsunami. One day when you send your MS to legit houses, and mention your first novel was self-published by ABP in your cover letter, you won’t get a response let alone a rejection. I posted a response on a blog about the “successes” of self-publishing asking three (important) questions: 1) Define success. 2) What are the annual profits of this “publisher”? 3) And if I asked for a profit statement will you give it to me? Or do you run one of said self-publishers? The minute I mentioned Absolute Write he wrote this long diatribe insinuating I hadn’t read his post thoroughly and that I was running around in a tizzy over nothing.

Writer beware: self-publishing =/= respect.