Pwned! Red Riding Hood novel

Well like Bree Tanner, I decided to look up the Red Riding Hood novel. And after what I read on Amazon.com, the public got epically pwned (as in bleeding from the asshole).

Could you get any more, I don’t know, OBVIOUS that the corporations are creating Twifuck 2.0?

Valerie/RRH – (Amanda Seyfried) Bella-Smeyer II who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jane and twice as sexless.

Peter/Woodsman/Big Bad Werewolf – (Shiloh Fernandez) Jacob without the black, emo to the hilt, and like Eddiekins will stop at nothing (including bloodshed) to ensure sweet Val would be his one and only.

Henry/Val’s rich fiancee – (Max Irons) Dull and lifeless like Edward but a bigger pushover than Jake. Wants Val’s unrequited love more than anything he’s and is willing to save her from Peter-Beowulf despite the fact she could care less about him.

But all that matters is that they are all pretty, share long, blank gazes, and that there’s a red hood on the girl’s head as she says, “Oh grandmother, what big eyes you have”- insta-blockbuster!

My big thing is who in the ass is Sarah Blakely-Cartwright, and why is Hardwicke’s name on the cover instead of hers? I know Hachette’s desperately trying to keep its Twifuck cash cow on life support, but do you think the uncultivated ability of a recent Barnard College grad was the way to do it? Smeyer makes this infant look educated, but do you think passages such as this is a great leap:

“I’m not going to force you to marry me,” Henry went on, not requiring her to respond, a gentleman to the end.

Somehow, her heart broke watching his do the same. Again, she thought of burying her head in his chest, of the safety he offered her. She had enough of danger, of trauma and passion. She was angry with herself; why couldn’t she love Henry?

“I know you don’t want to be with me.”

His honesty was a shock.

Because it was all she could think to do, Valerie fumbled to unclasp her bracelet, and at last succeeding, gave it back to him.

“I’m so sorry.” She heard herself saying the empty words, something she tried never to do. Having nothing else, she used them anyway, knowing they were a pathetic offering.

He was gone in an instant, the only noise now the afternoon crawl of the muddy stream. Standing under the silent sun of mid-morning, she was left to weigh Henry’s words. She couldn’t think about it too long, though, because if she did, there came a shameful rush of fire, flames flicking and blazing behind her ribs.

And you’ve got to hand it to Hachette’s PR department! Let’s release an INCOMPLETE novel and have the teen asshats DL the last chapter after the film opening for their iPuds and Kindling! And then as I’m lining up to take a piss at B&N there I’ll see with the rest of the RRH merch, the complete hardcover novel with the movie poster cover.

I will say the cinematography is clever, playing up the colors makes it look less grayscale. The red cape and its CGI bloodstain/spatter effects are the usual trope, but it’s still cool. I liked the costuming better in Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow (saw that 9 times in theatres- the discount theatre was still open in Manhattan), and I do admit I hold period dramas to his standard, but the renaissance peasant garb here looks way too clean and Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre-esque to be taken seriously. Cindy Evans should’ve watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves for initial research. Amanda’s jewelry is okay looking, and will be Hot Topic silver-painted plastic/copper fodder for the Hot Topic fantards (like AIW, unfortunately). If WB’s smart enough, they’d license pricier merch for The Noble Collection.

In the novel Blakely-Cartwright doesn’t really give background on the time period RRH is set in or where Daggerhorn is. The film is adapted from the most popular adaptation by the Brothers Grimm, making it to be roughly 700 years old. So is RRH 14th century Britain or Bavaria? Judging by the stills I’ve seen of the woodcutter’s house, it looks like it was heavily influenced by the log house dachas in Ivan the Terrible’s Russia (but Gary Oldman looks a bit like Peter the Great). The gilded angel on the shutters resembles Andrei Rublev’s iconography, and the wooden cross over Peter’s parents’ graves still exist in the Russian countryside marking orthodox churches, monasteries, and holy pilgrimage sites. So whether it be 700 years in the past or a post-apocalyptic future, the teen imaginariums will soar… but hopefully not sparkle.

UPDATE: Since it’s not illegal, here’s the last chapter to the RRH fail novel: Red Riding Hood – last chapter

And now for your not-so off topic enjoyment, some anti-Twifuck pwnage:

We can only wish this happened in the movies

Eddiekins' worst nightmare!

Love DN, but hate Misa (although not as much as Eddiekins)

While I can't stand Cho (and Ginny-Sue for that matter), NO WAY can you put her on the same level of suck-ass as Bella-Smeyer

Smeyer and Smusic…

Okay I was determined to do a bit of research on Meyer and her musical tastes, and I discovered a Rolling Stone article after Twifuck first hit theaters. Apparently she told a half-lie, claiming to have discovered metal and rock in BYU since her parents are insane (yes the apple doesn’t fall far from the LDS tree) and only allowed her to listen to “soft rock”, because anything loud, fun, easy to dance to, and otherwise stimulating wouldn’t be Christian or Joseph Smith-like.

This is what an undeveloped brain looks like.

And having 33 wives and using a rock under your hat to detect money underground, is Christian? I’ll put up the link to Dawn of the Undead on account that I’m not Erica Futterman, but it needs to be read to be believed. Oh yes, and Smeyer made a playlist for Twifuck before writing it. And it’s incorrect that she took 2 months to write it. She took three.

Dawn of the Undead

Why Stephenie Meyer gave her vampire book (and soon-to-be film) series a rock & roll soundtrack of Muse, Linkin Park, Blue October and more.

It’s a humid August afternoon outside the Nokia Theater in the middle of New York’s Times Square, and a hundred girls have already been in line for up to 16 hours. They’re holding posters, screaming and wearing T-shirts identifying themselves as members of Team Edward or Team Jacob. Most passersby assume Edward and Jacob are part of a band, with one confused father asking his teenage son, “Is Jacob a Jonas brother?”

Edward and Jacob aren’t real, though. They’re the creation of author Stephenie Meyer, and they live inside the world of her Twilight series, where Edward is a vampire and Jacob is a werewolf and they’re battling for the love of a human girl named Bella.

Tonight, 2,000 rabid fans showed up to see Meyer debut her Breaking Dawn Concert Series, four events scheduled around the release of the fourth and (for now) final installment of the Twilight saga. More than just a typical stop on a book tour, the concerts are a chance for Meyer to explain her stories through the music that’s inspired her writing.

“One of my problems with going on tour generally is that you get all these kids screaming for a rock concert, and then they get me,” Meyer, 34, says in a New York hotel room the day before the tour begins. “When [my publicist suggested] we do a rock concert, I was like, ‘Yes! That is what needs to happen!’ ” They reached out to some of Meyer’s favorite acts, including power-pop treadmill dancers OK Go, electro-pop band Shiny Toy Guns and rockers Blue October, ultimately constructing a show that’s part performance by Blue October’s lead singer, Justin Furstenfeld, part Q&A with Meyer and part Behind the Music, where Meyer discusses the impact Furstenfeld’s songs had on her books. It was unconventional, unintentional and a huge success — much like Meyer’s career thus far.

Meyer’s ascent to literary stardom began just over five years ago, on June 2nd, 2003. That was the morning Meyer — who dabbled in painting, majored in English at Brigham Young University and considered becoming a lawyer — woke up from a vivid dream about a male vampire and a female human in a meadow, talking about how they were falling in love even though the vampire thirsted for the human’s blood. “It was so singular,” Meyer recalls. “I really don’t think you get a dream like that more than once in your lifetime. And I didn’t need it; once I had the story and it unlocked the writer inside me, I had enough ideas on my own.” [Emphases mine]

The book became an all-consuming task for Meyer, a then-29-year-old married mother of three young boys living in Arizona. Meyer says she was “obsessive all the time,” hiding her writing from her family while she ferried her kids to swimming lessons and refilled juice cups. “I’d hear the characters say things that I’d want to write down, so I was scribbling on the corners of envelopes and napkins, anything I could get my hands on so I wouldn’t forget.” After three months, the tale was complete.

SPARKLEWORLD!

On the recommendation of her older sister Emily, Meyer landed an agent and signed with Little, Brown and Company, publisher of the mega successful Gossip Girl series, all before New Year’s Day 2004. “My life twisted around into ‘I have an agent,’ ‘I have a book deal,’ ‘I have a career’ and ‘Wow, I’m going to be a writer, how odd is that?’ ” Meyer remembers, laughing.

Twilight hit shelves on October 5th, 2005, and New Moon, the darkest chapter of Meyer’s vampire love story, arrived 10 months later and spent more than 30 weeks atop the New York Timesbestseller list, but nothing could prepare her for 2007. “Last year was like 10 years’ worth of stuff crammed into one,” she says. Meyer put the finishing touches on Eclipse, the third volume in Twilight, and penned both Breaking Dawn and The Host, her first adult novel. She embarked on another book tour to promote Eclipse’s release and saw her audience multiplying. But she still didn’t want Little, Brown to put out Eclipse on August 7th, just two weeks after the final Harry Potter book hit stores. “It was the summer of Harry Potter. I thought I’d get steamrolled,” Meyer confesses. But Eclipse’s first-day sales of 150,000 copies bested Potter, and the media appointed Meyer the next J.K. Rowling, a title she’s still uncomfortable with. “I forget all the time I’m supposed to be some kind of minor celebrity because that’s not who I am,” she says. “I’m a very normal, quiet person, and then I had to say, ‘OK, I really am a writer now. I’m not just playing at this.’

“The sad part was, I’d be writing and it would be one o’clock in the morning, and then it would hit me: Edward’s not real. But for the last six hours, he was,” she says. “And then he would not be real again. Oh, it was heart-breaking.” While she was writing, Meyer also began hearing songs to match her characters’ personalities and created chapter-by-chapter soundtracks for each book on her Website. “I listen to music always when I write,” she says. “When I hear music on the radio, I’m like ‘Oh! That’s a song for this character’ or ‘This one would so fit that character in this mood!’ ”

Though her current tastes lean towards alternative and progressive metal, Meyer cites strict parents as why she didn’t listen to much music during her Mormon upbringing (“They wanted to listen to everything before we listened to it, so basically we wound up listening to Lionel Richie and Chicago”), and says college was a crash-course in music ed. Interpol, My Chemical Romance, Vampire Weekend and Stars are among her current favorites.

Meyer’s Twilight saga playlists are culled from a combination of what she was listening to as she wrote and songs that spoke to her from a particular character’s perspective. The soundtracks are so indicative of the plots that Meyer waits to post the song titles until after each book is released, for fear the song choices offer spoilers. Frequent appearances are made by Linkin Park, and Meyer’s favorite band, U.K. prog-rock trio Muse, who she discovered while listening to Sirius radio in her car one day while working on New Moon.

‘Time is Running Out’ came on and I was just like, ‘Wow, what is this?’ ” Meyer recalls. “And I turned it up and made everyone in the car shut up. I Googled them immediately and listened to ‘Hysteria’ and I was like, ‘Where has this been all my life? How have I lived without this?’ “ She dedicated Breaking Dawn partially to the band, “for providing a saga’s worth of inspiration” and jokes, “I’m probably the only mom driving a minivan with a Muse sticker on the back.”

Meyer discovered Blue October in a similar way: she heard the bitter farewell of their single “Hate Me” while in the car and “it was like Edward was singing out of my radio.” When Justin Furstenfeld, Blue October’s lead singer-songwriter first heard about the Breaking Dawn series, “the way they explained it to me was that she’s got the pull of Harry Potter, but with more of a dark atmosphere,” he says.”It totally made sense to me. My songs are romantically dark, and her books are romantically dark.” Meyer flew to Austin a month ago, where Furstenfeld was at work on Blue October’s next album, to hear the band’s new music and go over the songs that inspired her writing, including “Hate Me.” Though Furstenfeld had heard Meyer’s name, he’d yet to read her books and dove in immediately. “To me, it’s this whole new world I’m opening up to,” he says in his dressing room before their debut New York show.

“You can see from the line around the building that these kids have been involved in this world for quite a while, and they’re pretty obsessed with it. It’s like there’s a show to see Jesus and I’m just the disciple,” he jokes. He isn’t far off: When Furstenfeld opens the show later that night, the screams are ear-splitting and the crowd is silent when he plays — but it’s sheer chaos when Meyer walks onstage to answer questions. Cheers interrupt every answer, whether she’s talking about what pushed her to get Twilight published or whether she shared Bella’s wishes of wanting to become a vampire. Meyer jokes all she has to do is say her characters’ names to get a response. “Edward!” she tries. The noise is deafening.

After the Q&A, Meyer brings Furstenfeld back onstage. She talks about the first time she heard “Hate Me,” and sits on a couch next to him, silently mouthing the words as he plays. “It’s an honor,” Furstenfeld tells Meyer. “It’s really weird,” she responds. “To have amazing musicians want to come and do this with me is crazy!”

Jodi Reamer has LOTS to answer to

The Music Behind Twilight
Meyer explains how she picked each book’s playlist

Twilight (2005)
Linkin Park was really kind of the undercurrent of that novel for me. I had Hybrid Theory and Meteora on a mix, and I just listened to them over and over again. They have a great rhythm for writing; aside from the tone of the song, the beat keeps you moving fast.”

New Moon (2006)
New Moon was when I discovered Marjorie Fair, this little band that just writes soul-crushing, heart-breaking music very prettily. I was listening to that and I could hear Bella in her depression; it was so perfect. This was also when I discovered Muse, and they just fit every moment. During ‘To the End of the World,’ I can hear Bella pushing through the underbrush looking for [Edward after he leaves her].”

Eclipse (2007)
“The most solid example of songs on the playlists being the ones that shaped the book was when I was working on
Eclipse. I was in the car with my sister listening to ‘Hysteria’ by Muse — we were out of town and I had my Absolution CD because I don’t travel without it. We were listening to ‘Hysteria’ and the kiss scene between Bella and Jacob choreographed itself in my mind, down to the number of steps. I can hear him in the beat as he’s walking towards her. The scene is not everybody’s favorite, but I certainly enjoy it.”

Breaking Dawn (2008)
“When I went to Austin to meet Justin Furstenfeld and talk about the
Breaking Dawn concert series he played a bunch of songs that aren’t out yet. There’s a song that he played called ‘My Never,’ that I can tell you the page in Breaking Dawn where I should have have heard it to write. I went home and re-did the playlist after that.”

Scene of the Twi-crime

“This world is full of flaws.” – Boogiepop (Miyashita Touka), Boogiepop Doesn’t Laugh.

Like the new theme? I figured since it’s been six moths since I started this thing I might as well update the look. And I also recategorized my links (they were in such disarray) so you’ll be able to navigate them easier. Anyhow while I was out and about I thought I’d pay Jodi Viper a visit (not really, my stalking skills aren’t as good as Eddiekins’ or Smeyer’s) so I took a few pics with my DSi of Writer’s House:

Den of literary devils

The scene of the Twi-crime

Graffiti here

They're not even good enough to be called "House of Pancakes"

Run for your life Jodi Viper!

Must be a vampire address vanishing in the sunlight and all...

These pics were taken as of today (7/12/10) and I know that the DSi isn’t the best of digital cameras, take a look the last image. Notice anything interesting? That wasn’t there a few weeks ago when I last passed by, and I can only think that they put the little strip of camo over the addy because of crazed Twifucktards trying to get a peek at their LDS goddess and other idiots coming by with their bullshit expecting a multi-million dollar contract. But if you want the address for either your rotten tomatoes or manuscripts, here it is:

21 West 26th Street
New York, NY 10010-1083
(212) 685-2400

And Jodi Reamer’s contact info (I can only image in number of death threats in her inbox):

Writers House
21 West 26th St.
New York, NY 10010
United States
Phone: (212) 685-2400
Fax: (212) 685-1781

Response Times

responses fastest slowest average
Overall 28 38 days 238 days 61 days
Email 5 0 days 66 days 46 days
Postal Mail 20 38 days 238 days 74 days
Other/ Unspecified 3 0 days 0 days 0 days

Responses

initial follow -up overall
Offers 0 0 0
Requests 2 0 2
Rejected 24 3 24
Withdrawn 2 0 2
There are 50 submissions currently awaiting response.
Hope this helps with your submission process! And don’t forget:
Can you suck some mountain lion blood tonight...
Only Emma Hale and Joseph Smith’s love rival theirs (Fanny Alger included!)

I mean, what the crack, people? You couldn't figure this one out?

Whatever you do, DON'T look into her eyes!

Oh the wrath of the Twitard… can you see me laughing?

Well a few minutes ago I really wasted my time putting a Twifucktard by the name of Songsmirth (who I blocked) in her place. I don’t check my You Tube inbox for messages (but admit I was bored) and I got a couple, one from her and another Twifucktard. I don’t remember the screen name of the other (and she’s not important anyhow) because she just responded to a comment I made on an anti-Twifuck video stating she hated me. *SHRUGS* BUT I just couldn’t help it with Songsmirth.

This dumb bitch said she felt sorry for me being an angry person who likes to troll Twifuck videos and bash them. In her response to my comment she lashes out at me for my sarcastic attitude, and tries to dump all over me screaming at me demanding to know what great thing I accomplished so I could compete with Smeyer. If Songsmirth came to this blog (it’s listed on YT) I pretty much lay out the LITTLE I have accomplished, make fun of myself, my friends, my world, bitch, yell, scream, and critique (to my little black heart’s content) the idiocy of today’s pop culture (Lady Goo-Goo-Gaga is number two on my hit list BTW).

If you (Songsmirth and other Twifucktards who troll) are going to have an apoplectic fit over my sarcasm, I really don’t give a shit. I’ve been this way for 20 years (LITERALLY) and when my mom tried to rein me in, I told her I didn’t give a shit. The only reason why she backed off was because she knew she was making bad choices (regarding dad and not listening to us). And if you can’t tell I’m being sarcastic from the little page description up in the corner, then I don’t know what your problem is. I know these weapons are typical in the Twifucktard’s arsenal, but these obsessive-compulsive fanidiots can be disturbing… and they do get personal. The best defense is logic, and I have gotten loud with logic with regards to the Twifucktard on DA who tried to suggest that we antis are actually fans.

Now here’s another little (embarrassing) fact about yours truly: MTV’s Daria ran from ’97 to ’02. I didn’t get cable until the fall of ’02, but I didn’t see Daria until the VHS releases in 2000. This didn’t stop my friends in high school from nicknaming me “Daria” and I had no fucking clue (at the time) what they were talking about. I am a natural brunette who likes to wear her hair long and loose, I wear glasses (and at the time had these round black glasses), my GPA was 3.8 to 4.0 (told you I was a geek- but managed to get C’s in math and dropped physics altogether), and I was anywhere from sardonic to irreverent at any point of the day. I really was Daria without Tracy Grandstaff in the room.

Oh yeah before I close out, Tprinces is having a bit of a problem. It seems that this Twifucktard CONJOPI (or James Triston) flagged her review video “Twilight = Epic Fail” and YT took it down. He bragged openly saying he had it removed because he thought she was “unfunny and unoriginal”, and within her rights Tprinces raised hell. Unfortunately she can’t find the file to put it back up, so if anybody DLed it send a copy to her please. I consider it one of the best anti-Twifuck reviews, and it got a fuckload of hits. And check out the latest from WriterfromNowhere, apparently Smeyer has well and truly gone off the deep end… as if it couldn’t get any worse.

And one more thing, I wouldn’t compete with Smeyer if you paid off my family’s debt, gave me a million bucks with a title to a house on HK’s Peak, a full ride to HK University, and a job waiting for me at the New York Times Asia desk. I just enjoy breaking on her with my fellow antis, Twifucktards need not loiter here.

And don’t forget:

Yes I always wanted a man who wanted to keep me from my friends and family

Save me from my paper cut Eddiekins!

Even if he didn't smell, or do the damn sequels I'd still like to see him dead

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

"I like myself so much better now!" (Runs off to spend her millions)

Throw another city on the barbie Buddha, it went into the triple digits out here in the Big Apple. And as I write this review on the latest Smeyer crackcaine-fest, it’s in the upper 80s. Bad idea when you have to sit through 153 pages on a PC screen. On the upshot I read it quite fast considering the pirated .pdf I have is rather crappy and am forced to read it at 243% zoom as if I were Brenda Kerrigan.

Well I was really (not) impressed by the latest installment of the Twifuck saga- but I will say this, Smeyer’s editor Rebecca Davis probably threatened her with a lawsuit should she not be allowed to do her job because the first thing I noticed was the reduction of thesaurus assrape. This is not to say Smeyer doesn’t stick in unnecessary adjectives here and there (to look educated) AND some actual research took place! After a feeding frenzy where Bree’s coven wiped out an entire boatload of passengers coming down from BC on the Washington State Ferry, she correctly used metaphors when she called the coven barracudas because they are native to Puget Sound (I did some fact checking, something publishing companies believe gets in the way of their bottom line).

'Cause this is what Smeyer and the Twifucktards THINK they look like... and the bitch can't act worth a goddamn

Now shmeiliarockie did a wonderful review of this and I encourage you to go watch it, as well as her final installments of YAB. I could understand why she could give it a good rating, the pacing was faster and Smeyer didn’t waste time glossing over how beautiful characters were. Then again, this is lookist Smeyer we have here. Beauty is equated with good, and evil is on par with ugly. Regardless of what she claimed in the intro, we don’t really know how Bree looks like with the exception that she was a Mormonpire for 3 months, was 15-16 when she was turned, and that she had red eyes. Smeyer ultimately doesn’t really care about this character, she only pulled this turd out of her ass to make some more quick cash, to niggle the screenwriters, and to shut her critics and unsatisfied fans up because her brother that filters her fanmail has probably been bitching at her.

Smeyer’s first major mistake (aside from first sitting down to write) was the title. Back when public schools were slightly less shit I was instructed by my ninth grade English teacher, Ms. Warner, that lengthy titles were completely unnecessary. Two to four worded titles were preferred, using your creative juices to spit out a catchy and unusual title with the fewest words possible does tell a prospective agent a lot about the writer. Case in point, Kowloon Tong by Paul Theroux, one of my favorite novels about my most favorite place in the world. I mean, hasn’t Smeyer figured that out by now? She used it when she hawked her first set of crap! Oh wait… she’s a BYU alum, where she spent the majority of her time candlepassing and making fun of people without brand name clothes. Bree was uninteresting, but only less so than Bella. None of these characters were annoying (per se) but you felt no pathos, just a lot of frustration, teen angst and rebelliousness that Smeyer was channeling from her days as a young Mormon in the real world. Bree is attempting to confront her past and has lots of questions about who/what she is and is generally dissatisfied with the prepared answers she gets from a leader she once trusted. Utah has the highest percentage of anti-depressant use and Mormons have admitted that they are experts at avoiding their problems because one of their core tenets is perfection. An outward constant show of happiness is reaffirmation of their beliefs. If a TBM is expressing unhappiness, then the problem lies with shaken faith therefore results in shaky social relations within the cult.

This book should have been called Blood Before Meat, and it’s set between Relapse and Breaking Brains (I think). Now our leading Mormonpire Bree was a would-be-16-year-old battered runaway living on the streets hooking for food (they usually go for cash but Smeyer probably set Bree up on the lower rung of prostitute-dom because she’s so ugly) until she encounters beautiful, blond Riley (“Hey kid, want a cheeseburger?”) stake president of Bree’s undead marble people ward who then takes her to Victoria (Her) to be turned.

So Bree, swarthy Diego, Freaky Fred, and others are horsing around the darkened alleyways of downtown Seattle for some type O and after getting their fill of victims without families who therefore aren’t important won’t be missed (dregs) and causing some destruction Bree and Diego do a little shopping at the local closed mall (CDs and a dozen books) and Target (Hefty bags, Ziplocs, and backpacks). Now here’s what drives me nuts. Of course Bree being a female angsts over herself as the boys are infuriatingly overconfident. Then she does a typical Smeyer 180 and only starts feeling like a god when Diego says how smart she is and that Riley appreciates her for her brains as well. Well Bree and Diego are very young vampires, in fact Bree is only three months old and Diego a year, and according to Smeyer logic younger Mormonpires are stronger while older ones are weak. I’m sorry, but in almost all of the vampire novels I’ve read the lore was that the older you got, the stronger you were.

So Bree and Diego head back to the scene of the crime where a pile of bodies and wrecked cars lie in the middle of an intersection and proceed to cover their tracks. Now let me ask you something, why would a criminal carry a Zippo in a plastic bag? Well because it was stolen and is being handled to ensure that the former owner’s fingerprints stay on it so that when it’s being used by the (usually) gloved criminal, the evidence will point to the owner. But Diego isn’t wearing gloves and with Smeyer’s wonderful continuity the lighter becomes a match. Did you know that Mormonpire venom is also flammable?

So they try to beat the sunrise and race to the ward’s hideout deep in the Washington sticks where they occupy the basements of cabins that they know are owned by dead people. Apparently the ward of abused runaways they’re in are so insane they regularly burn down their hideouts (but no real fights are seen, just posturing), and this one was no exception. So Bree and Diego hide in some tunnels on the beach and as they form a secret ninja club becoming BFFs/eternal mates they start analyzing their stake president and get the feeling that he’s keeping some major info on the DL from everybody.

They believe in the “myth” that Riley drills into them that they’ll burn up in the sun and that they could be staked by humans until Diego tests this theory and finds out that they’re just a pair of walking disco balls (Smeyer actually wrote that). So they follow Riley to a quaint gingerbread cottage where they discover that he’s been knocking boots with Victoria and overhear their conversation/makeout session via Spider hearing that her big plans are set in motion. All of a sudden Bree and Diego spot the General Authority from The Vatican arriving in their hooded robes walking in a perfect diamond formation to confront Victoria. They speak in tongues warning her to set her invasion of The Cullens within five days or they’re KFC, Victoria gets pissy, Diego stays behind to talk to Riley ordering Bree to go back to the cabin just in time to see the stake prez return and pull a temper tantrum that pwns Edward’s because he included some amputations after seeing a smoking pile of Mormonpire remains (no explanation).

Eat this you sparkly nutsuckers!

Riley launches into an abusive tirade calling everybody a bunch of stupid assholes, and that they’ve got to get serious and start training to kill The Cullens who are devious weaker, older yellow-eyed Mormonpires. He promises them upon success of eradication of the enemy that they will get to rule the planet Seattle and a “dessert” upon the kill of Edward- we finally find out what happened to Bella’s red sweater. Bree is grouped with Freaky Fred (another gorgeous tall blond) where they make a little connection over rummy and train for a few days. Riley pulls Bree aside gives her a little cryptic message from Diego who says he will meet up with her after the battle, tells her not to give up on him, and reminds her that she’s one of his smart ones.

They set off to fight The Cullens, but Freaky Fred doesn’t feel the good vibrations and humps it to Vancouver when Riley told Bree that Diego has already made it to the staging area and he retreats. Bree can’t smell Diego anywhere figuring out that he was killed by Riley and Vicki and surrenders herself to Edward fighting off the urge to kill Bella. The GA arrive to interrogate Bree who tells them the whole of Riley’s lies and just before they make mincemeat out of her she telepathically tells Edward that the GA instructed them to attack under the penalty of excommunication.

The End.

Do ya think us gentiles are THAT stupid?!!

Need more proof?

THE DEVIN’S ADVOCATE: WHY BREAKING DAWN MUST BE MADE INTO A MOVIE

Childfree-dom and Smeyer

First off welcome back Shmeliarockie! I hope life finds you well, and your fans, fellow anti-Twilighters, and subscribers couldn’t wait for your latest YAB installment.

Now in response to her commentary about Smeyer’s Sue-baby- “the most unique baby in the world” according to Molly Mormon- isn’t just a reflection of Mormon culture (contemporary or historical) but of childbearing and parenthood in general until the rise of feminism and counter-culturalism in the 1960s.

Now if you recall Tprinces’ New Moan rant, Bella-Smeyer liked 50s music (examples Bill Haley and the Comets, Elvis, Patsy Cline, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and Peggy Lee are icons of the 50s musical era). Then in Smeyer’s brilliant plot continuity she does a 180 and Bella-Smeyer claims not to like music at all with Eddiekins stating how crap music of the 60s and 70s were. Now disco was simply awful, but don’t even go there with The Beatles, The Stones, The Who, The Ramones, etc.  Attitudes that reject anything that flies in the face of Christian, all-American wholesomeness isn’t just something prevalent in Mormonism, but a typical right-wing, narrow minded response during the 60s. I would also like to note Mormons do particularly enjoy classical music and classical literature because it provides them with a mask of intellectualism when they actually abhor intellectuals (ie. fear of debunking the cult). Mormonism began in the 19th Century so their ideals and world view aren’t really stuck in the 50s- that’s generous- it is true 19th Century thinking, which is why Smeyer had her characters originate in the 19th Century or turn of the century. It ultimately provides Mormons comfort in an uncomfortable progressive world. If there’s an “interfaith” marriage the non-Mormon partner might be traditional and doesn’t mind taking up gender roles. If it’s a male he wants total control in household and if it’s a female she likes being dominated. Conversely the Mormon partner may not be religious, inactive, or doesn’t have a relationship with their Mormon family and preferred to marry outside the cult.

Onto the Sue-baby. No one could really imagine themselves as parents until reality shoots you in the face the first few minutes in the delivery room. Bella-Smeyer wasn’t too keen on having kids, I’d say pretty normal teen behavior. But being that she’s supposed to be the model of Mormon femininity (and a teen bride to boot) this is wrong. In fact, all good Christian girls should be melting into a puddle of pink sugary goo at the sight of babies. If you go to the childfree links I provide on the side for you, the message boards include personal stories of when we decided that brats weren’t in the plan. I was surprised to discover that there were others (like me) who knew as kids themselves didn’t want kids. When child bride Bella-Smeyer gets knocked up in Breaking Fail Eddiekins becomes the devil incarnate (according to Mormons the brother of Jesus Christ- I’m not joking) and presses her to get an abortion. Suddenly Bella-Smeyer gets protective of her mutant zygote that she immediately refers to as a male because in all religious societies males are the sex of preference. Bella-Smeyer also fantasized of an older brother to protect and spoil her rather than a younger brother she would have to help care/sacrifice for. Throughout Africa, Asia, India, and in the Middle East males are preferred because they continue the father’s clan/name, have higher earning power, are first (and more deserving) to be educated, and are first fed at the meal table (in North Korea during food shortage/famine rice was given to the males and the less nutritious corn was given to females). Females are just the breeder pigs, it makes no sense to educate them because they only have to cook, clean, fuck, and birth on command, women get sick more often because they have more stress and aren’t fed properly. In India abortion is looked down upon but is legal because if a woman isn’t pregnant with a male she could abort the female fetus. Traditionally girls have a marriage dowry, and the coming of age party for girls is very elaborate and expensive. Because of these things there are orphanages that consist solely of girls should the baby be kept to term and the first to be abandoned if the family is destitute. In China today the ratio between men and women is so disproportionate that Chinese gangs routinely kidnap young women and teen girls to sell as brides to mostly middle class patrons. And with their one child law (1.2 billion birthed) cultural mores and ignorance still demand the need for males.

Now in real life Smeyer has three boys, having three kids is way too many in this modern world but in the Mormon world it’s way too few. Also I’m sure she feels outnumbered by the males in her mansion and has secretly yearned to spoil, primp and have girl time with her perfect, cute little daughter. Bella gets Smeyer’s wish, the Sue-baby Renesmee. She is perfect, doesn’t have to be fed or cleaned (because blond beautiful, raped whore Rosalie will do it), you love her immediately (can do no wrong thusly not trouble her parents whilst having non-stop sex and will be worshiped), will educate herself at a collegiate level by age seven (no social interaction needed and is already at the top of her class because all normal people are losers), and has a gorgeous husband waiting for her (Jacob, Bella-Smeyer’s devilish dark-skinned second lust-object that will protect Renesmee’s virtue until she demands that he fuck her sadistically on their wedding night). Well looks like Bella-Smeyer has completed her requirements of “vampire” goddesshood in the Celestial Kingdom of Forks with her eternal family. Did I also mention that she has the most deadly superpower she will never have to use because Eddiekins and the Cullens will sweep in to protect their precious queen?

Understand back in the day when a teen girl or young unmarried woman got knocked up, abortion wasn’t an option- unless you were fantastically rich or of some importance (Judy Garland’s mother forced her daughter to have an abortion when she was impregnated by her first husband). If the family was of some means they made arrangements for their daughter to go away and visit relatives- at least that was the cover story. The girl would board with a religious or secular group that secretly worked with obstetricians that delivered illegitimate children who would then be taken by adoption agencies to be given to childless couples or couples who couldn’t have any more children. If the girl demanded an abortion the (at one time male dominated profession) obstetrician would let his religiosity or chauvinism overtake his professionalism and tell the girl that with the fullness of time she will grow to love her baby.

Yeah. And postpartum depression doesn’t exist.

Obviously Bella-Smeyer has been brainwashed by her love-hypnotizing mutant, or does Smeyer have another agenda? I’m sure whenever her three sprogs break something incredibly expensive she tells herself how much she loves her kids and truly wanted them in her life.

Twilight: The Manwha

Well if you remember a while back I said I was going to a review on it, and I’m making good on my promise. Twilight: The Manwha arrived at my doorstep over a week late (thanks to all the wonderful weather here on the East Coast) and I just finished reading it.

Oh boy.

First off I’d like to note a few things before the review:

1) Graphic novel adaptations are nothing new. When the anime craze reached its peak back in ’04 EVERY-FUCKING-BODY and their mama had to cash in on it (a CSI manga starring a teenage Japanese protagonist).

2) The evermo Smeyer probably drove Young Kim crazy. Thankfully Kim has probably never met Smeyer face to face and “collaborated” with her through e-mails, phone calls, and video conferencing. I mean Smeyer is a racist and I can’t help but think at how she would take to an Asian woman.

3) As with all adaptations changes have to be made. Twifuck is 544 pages, Twifuck: The Manwha is 224 pages, so condensations, omissions, and other bits n’ pieces will have vanished or morphed into something else.

4) This is PURE MILK! Smeyer loves tithing since she’s getting closer to her goddesshood in the celestial kingdom… but hardcover? Splitting the the first abomination into multiple parts (I’m praying just two)? And it’s obvious that the pretty cover expands into a big pretty picture when you align them.

5) Yen Press is a subsidiary of Little, Brown, & Co. and its most successful manwha title is Goong.

6) Yes, Eddiekins looks like Jasper. And yes, Smeyer is Bella- flip to the back cover and then look at the drawing.

And now the review!

Two stars out of five! Don’t be fooled, 0 stars for content (Mormonism on a stick!) and 4 stars for art. As an otaku I love to collect manga as well as their corresponding art books. I recently purchased Vampire Princess Miyu’s art book adding it to my Sailor Moon manga art books- all 4 are collectors items and aren’t in print any more. Young Kim is a wonderful artist, and I hope to see better work and not this drivel. What’s very painful about this adaptation is that Smeyer (or perhaps Kim) is attempting to quell or just plain silence the antis by “re-editing”. Bella’s interrogation from Edward that was originally in the Italian Port Angeles restaurant takes place in the school’s parking lot, and he asks more sensible questions of Bella instead of just “What’s your favorite gemstone?”- although that’s still there with a ridiculous topaz planted right between the panels!

Jacob Black is now being treated like the Amazon Rain Forest: slash and burn! Jake is no longer Bella’s childhood friend, but a casual acquaintance and a savage flirt. Like Eddiekins, he also wears a condescending grin all of the damn time. While Jake is an only child in the novel, it’s evident that Leah and Emily will take the parts of his “sisters” in an attempt to balance things between the sexes and give the Cullen coven a real familial counterpart with a skinwalker clan (they’re not werewolves goddamit! The Navajo has skinwalker mythos). I would also like to point out that like Nikki Reed, the manwha Rosalie isn’t devastatingly beautiful. If Kim wanted to really create the most beautiful vampire in the world (B.C. Bella-Smeyer) all she had to do was look at a few renai games! For example: Casual Romance Club, The Sagara Family, Secret Wives Club, and Do You Like Horny Bunnies 2.

All in all, unimpressive but I will keep it because of the artwork. And as soon as I get it together (yes Miss Defoe) I will be selling my hardcover boxset of the Twifuck series (which includes those dumbass lobby cards with the quotes in the original packet) as well as The Waste. I will let everyone know when I’m ready to palm them off and I won’t be charging you an arm and a leg. I’m not Smeyer, I don’t tithe, and I don’t stalk people.

But if you must ask what team I’m on, it’s Team Ilosovic Stayne! (But before AIW it was Team Logic.)