Fifty Shades of Twifuck Fanfic Bullshit!

Now you understand why I only visit Barnes & Noble’s for the restroom.

Now even Wikipedia reported that Mrs. Erica Leonard uploaded Fifty Shades of Grey as Master of the Universe (I really fucking hate this bitch because she has destroyed the good names of He-Man and She-Ra!) Twifuck fanfic under the pseudonym of “Snowqueen’s Icedragon.” I found the .pdf and have skimmed over it, and let me tell you it is a 604-page assload of shit! At least the British wildebeest admitted she spewed it under the duress of a midlife crisis. As a fan of Anais Nin, Alina Reyes, and Anne Rice (before her Catlick reconversion) I can say this is unequivocally poorly written and poorly researched in the BDSM department. Perhaps she should’ve opened up communications with Sapio Slut and asked her a few questions concerning her relationship with her dom lover. OR she could’ve watched Cool Devices. Not that this had a chance in the seven circles of hell with proper research and editing.

How low can the publishing industry stoop? I did some research and looking at a Blogger link for the MOTU fic-shit, in 2010 all these screaming Twifuck teen and cougar idiots gave the fic 40,000 gay disco ball sparkling reviews. I guess Mrs. Leonard took her experience as a British TV exec decided to do what the entertainment industry does best: rehash, repackage, and re-release. In 3-D. Incidentally Erica is Chilean/Scottish, married to somebody who’s as mental as she is, attended the University of Kent and majored in HISTORY before getting her first real job as a studio manager’s assistant at the National Film and Television School in London. Oh yeah, I’m sure she’s done a fuckload of writing…

Incidentally, her publisher is The Writer’s Coffee Shop (which is formatted a bit like Ellora’s Cave), be sure to read the submission guidelines, and remember, anybody can be a writer. It doesn’t matter if you’re not any good… And if you need an agent ring up Valerie Hoskins since she did such a good job with Erica!

Valerie Hoskins Associates
20 Charlotte Street
London
W1T 2NA

email: info@vhassociates.co.uk

phone: 020 7637 4490

REGISTERED ADDRESS
Valerie Hoskins Associates Limited
8 The Glasshouse
49A Goldhawk Road
London
W12 8QP

REGISTERED NUMBER 2435715

P.S. They might be optioning this for a screenplay. Your best bet into what this pile of fuck might look like, DL The Secretary.

P.P.S. If you have any questions regarding the .pdf email me.

“Music is disposable now. It doesn’t have the emotional impact anymore. That’s sad.” – Bob Welch (1945-2012), Fleetwood Mac guitarist.

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And now a word on rubenesque romances…

And now a word on rubenesque romance novels…

(taps bullhorn)

TESTING! TESTING! 1-2-3! TESTING 1-2-3!

(feedback)

TO ALL MY FELLOW FAT GIRLS: RIPPED, SEXY MEN DO NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR EXISTENCE! I REPEAT: RIPPED, SEXY MEN DO NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR EXISTENCE! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I don’t know how publishers (only established print houses-POD, Ellora’s Cave, and other online shit do not count) get away with this.

CHA-CHING!

I withdraw my last comment… but not respectfully.

The wonderful thing about fiction is how situations that can be blown-up (literary license) are perfectly rooted in reality. Take Goong (The Royal Palace) as an example: retarded poor girl is classmate of the jackoff royal prince and ends up betrothed to him. Like in Pride and Prejudice, two people from entirely different backgrounds can find common ground and love through a series of trials and tribulations trying to keep them apart.

But they are a fit and attractive couple.

No way in hell would a sexy guy fall for a size 20, 18, 16, 14, 12, 10, 8, and even 6 girl! And vice-versa (to be fair). I have heard the most disgusting things from (predominantly middle-class white) men along the lines of, “If I’m kissing, hugging, or fucking a woman, and I grab some skin, if it’s more than one inch off the bone, I kick her fat ass out of the bed!” Horrific- but honest- and more importantly realistic.

Cellulite, muffin tops, saggy tits, bulges, stretch marks, and rolls are also a reality. So wannabe (and established) writers- especially in “romantica” BDSM- that doesn’t look too nice in a leather thong. So you can smooth, tone, and curve all you goddamn want. But remember this, the category “Amazon” stops at size 12 and 5’9″.

P.S. And if a ripped, sexy guy crosses your path he is probably a religious nut, a con-artist, abuser, thief, child molester, philanderer, uneducated, and unemployed. Or at the very best, a closeted gay man, in which case you’ve made a life-long friend! 😉