Smeyer and Smusic…

Okay I was determined to do a bit of research on Meyer and her musical tastes, and I discovered a Rolling Stone article after Twifuck first hit theaters. Apparently she told a half-lie, claiming to have discovered metal and rock in BYU since her parents are insane (yes the apple doesn’t fall far from the LDS tree) and only allowed her to listen to “soft rock”, because anything loud, fun, easy to dance to, and otherwise stimulating wouldn’t be Christian or Joseph Smith-like.

This is what an undeveloped brain looks like.

And having 33 wives and using a rock under your hat to detect money underground, is Christian? I’ll put up the link to Dawn of the Undead on account that I’m not Erica Futterman, but it needs to be read to be believed. Oh yes, and Smeyer made a playlist for Twifuck before writing it. And it’s incorrect that she took 2 months to write it. She took three.

Dawn of the Undead

Why Stephenie Meyer gave her vampire book (and soon-to-be film) series a rock & roll soundtrack of Muse, Linkin Park, Blue October and more.

It’s a humid August afternoon outside the Nokia Theater in the middle of New York’s Times Square, and a hundred girls have already been in line for up to 16 hours. They’re holding posters, screaming and wearing T-shirts identifying themselves as members of Team Edward or Team Jacob. Most passersby assume Edward and Jacob are part of a band, with one confused father asking his teenage son, “Is Jacob a Jonas brother?”

Edward and Jacob aren’t real, though. They’re the creation of author Stephenie Meyer, and they live inside the world of her Twilight series, where Edward is a vampire and Jacob is a werewolf and they’re battling for the love of a human girl named Bella.

Tonight, 2,000 rabid fans showed up to see Meyer debut her Breaking Dawn Concert Series, four events scheduled around the release of the fourth and (for now) final installment of the Twilight saga. More than just a typical stop on a book tour, the concerts are a chance for Meyer to explain her stories through the music that’s inspired her writing.

“One of my problems with going on tour generally is that you get all these kids screaming for a rock concert, and then they get me,” Meyer, 34, says in a New York hotel room the day before the tour begins. “When [my publicist suggested] we do a rock concert, I was like, ‘Yes! That is what needs to happen!’ ” They reached out to some of Meyer’s favorite acts, including power-pop treadmill dancers OK Go, electro-pop band Shiny Toy Guns and rockers Blue October, ultimately constructing a show that’s part performance by Blue October’s lead singer, Justin Furstenfeld, part Q&A with Meyer and part Behind the Music, where Meyer discusses the impact Furstenfeld’s songs had on her books. It was unconventional, unintentional and a huge success — much like Meyer’s career thus far.

Meyer’s ascent to literary stardom began just over five years ago, on June 2nd, 2003. That was the morning Meyer — who dabbled in painting, majored in English at Brigham Young University and considered becoming a lawyer — woke up from a vivid dream about a male vampire and a female human in a meadow, talking about how they were falling in love even though the vampire thirsted for the human’s blood. “It was so singular,” Meyer recalls. “I really don’t think you get a dream like that more than once in your lifetime. And I didn’t need it; once I had the story and it unlocked the writer inside me, I had enough ideas on my own.” [Emphases mine]

The book became an all-consuming task for Meyer, a then-29-year-old married mother of three young boys living in Arizona. Meyer says she was “obsessive all the time,” hiding her writing from her family while she ferried her kids to swimming lessons and refilled juice cups. “I’d hear the characters say things that I’d want to write down, so I was scribbling on the corners of envelopes and napkins, anything I could get my hands on so I wouldn’t forget.” After three months, the tale was complete.

SPARKLEWORLD!

On the recommendation of her older sister Emily, Meyer landed an agent and signed with Little, Brown and Company, publisher of the mega successful Gossip Girl series, all before New Year’s Day 2004. “My life twisted around into ‘I have an agent,’ ‘I have a book deal,’ ‘I have a career’ and ‘Wow, I’m going to be a writer, how odd is that?’ ” Meyer remembers, laughing.

Twilight hit shelves on October 5th, 2005, and New Moon, the darkest chapter of Meyer’s vampire love story, arrived 10 months later and spent more than 30 weeks atop the New York Timesbestseller list, but nothing could prepare her for 2007. “Last year was like 10 years’ worth of stuff crammed into one,” she says. Meyer put the finishing touches on Eclipse, the third volume in Twilight, and penned both Breaking Dawn and The Host, her first adult novel. She embarked on another book tour to promote Eclipse’s release and saw her audience multiplying. But she still didn’t want Little, Brown to put out Eclipse on August 7th, just two weeks after the final Harry Potter book hit stores. “It was the summer of Harry Potter. I thought I’d get steamrolled,” Meyer confesses. But Eclipse’s first-day sales of 150,000 copies bested Potter, and the media appointed Meyer the next J.K. Rowling, a title she’s still uncomfortable with. “I forget all the time I’m supposed to be some kind of minor celebrity because that’s not who I am,” she says. “I’m a very normal, quiet person, and then I had to say, ‘OK, I really am a writer now. I’m not just playing at this.’

“The sad part was, I’d be writing and it would be one o’clock in the morning, and then it would hit me: Edward’s not real. But for the last six hours, he was,” she says. “And then he would not be real again. Oh, it was heart-breaking.” While she was writing, Meyer also began hearing songs to match her characters’ personalities and created chapter-by-chapter soundtracks for each book on her Website. “I listen to music always when I write,” she says. “When I hear music on the radio, I’m like ‘Oh! That’s a song for this character’ or ‘This one would so fit that character in this mood!’ ”

Though her current tastes lean towards alternative and progressive metal, Meyer cites strict parents as why she didn’t listen to much music during her Mormon upbringing (“They wanted to listen to everything before we listened to it, so basically we wound up listening to Lionel Richie and Chicago”), and says college was a crash-course in music ed. Interpol, My Chemical Romance, Vampire Weekend and Stars are among her current favorites.

Meyer’s Twilight saga playlists are culled from a combination of what she was listening to as she wrote and songs that spoke to her from a particular character’s perspective. The soundtracks are so indicative of the plots that Meyer waits to post the song titles until after each book is released, for fear the song choices offer spoilers. Frequent appearances are made by Linkin Park, and Meyer’s favorite band, U.K. prog-rock trio Muse, who she discovered while listening to Sirius radio in her car one day while working on New Moon.

‘Time is Running Out’ came on and I was just like, ‘Wow, what is this?’ ” Meyer recalls. “And I turned it up and made everyone in the car shut up. I Googled them immediately and listened to ‘Hysteria’ and I was like, ‘Where has this been all my life? How have I lived without this?’ “ She dedicated Breaking Dawn partially to the band, “for providing a saga’s worth of inspiration” and jokes, “I’m probably the only mom driving a minivan with a Muse sticker on the back.”

Meyer discovered Blue October in a similar way: she heard the bitter farewell of their single “Hate Me” while in the car and “it was like Edward was singing out of my radio.” When Justin Furstenfeld, Blue October’s lead singer-songwriter first heard about the Breaking Dawn series, “the way they explained it to me was that she’s got the pull of Harry Potter, but with more of a dark atmosphere,” he says.”It totally made sense to me. My songs are romantically dark, and her books are romantically dark.” Meyer flew to Austin a month ago, where Furstenfeld was at work on Blue October’s next album, to hear the band’s new music and go over the songs that inspired her writing, including “Hate Me.” Though Furstenfeld had heard Meyer’s name, he’d yet to read her books and dove in immediately. “To me, it’s this whole new world I’m opening up to,” he says in his dressing room before their debut New York show.

“You can see from the line around the building that these kids have been involved in this world for quite a while, and they’re pretty obsessed with it. It’s like there’s a show to see Jesus and I’m just the disciple,” he jokes. He isn’t far off: When Furstenfeld opens the show later that night, the screams are ear-splitting and the crowd is silent when he plays — but it’s sheer chaos when Meyer walks onstage to answer questions. Cheers interrupt every answer, whether she’s talking about what pushed her to get Twilight published or whether she shared Bella’s wishes of wanting to become a vampire. Meyer jokes all she has to do is say her characters’ names to get a response. “Edward!” she tries. The noise is deafening.

After the Q&A, Meyer brings Furstenfeld back onstage. She talks about the first time she heard “Hate Me,” and sits on a couch next to him, silently mouthing the words as he plays. “It’s an honor,” Furstenfeld tells Meyer. “It’s really weird,” she responds. “To have amazing musicians want to come and do this with me is crazy!”

Jodi Reamer has LOTS to answer to

The Music Behind Twilight
Meyer explains how she picked each book’s playlist

Twilight (2005)
Linkin Park was really kind of the undercurrent of that novel for me. I had Hybrid Theory and Meteora on a mix, and I just listened to them over and over again. They have a great rhythm for writing; aside from the tone of the song, the beat keeps you moving fast.”

New Moon (2006)
New Moon was when I discovered Marjorie Fair, this little band that just writes soul-crushing, heart-breaking music very prettily. I was listening to that and I could hear Bella in her depression; it was so perfect. This was also when I discovered Muse, and they just fit every moment. During ‘To the End of the World,’ I can hear Bella pushing through the underbrush looking for [Edward after he leaves her].”

Eclipse (2007)
“The most solid example of songs on the playlists being the ones that shaped the book was when I was working on
Eclipse. I was in the car with my sister listening to ‘Hysteria’ by Muse — we were out of town and I had my Absolution CD because I don’t travel without it. We were listening to ‘Hysteria’ and the kiss scene between Bella and Jacob choreographed itself in my mind, down to the number of steps. I can hear him in the beat as he’s walking towards her. The scene is not everybody’s favorite, but I certainly enjoy it.”

Breaking Dawn (2008)
“When I went to Austin to meet Justin Furstenfeld and talk about the
Breaking Dawn concert series he played a bunch of songs that aren’t out yet. There’s a song that he played called ‘My Never,’ that I can tell you the page in Breaking Dawn where I should have have heard it to write. I went home and re-did the playlist after that.”

The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

"I like myself so much better now!" (Runs off to spend her millions)

Throw another city on the barbie Buddha, it went into the triple digits out here in the Big Apple. And as I write this review on the latest Smeyer crackcaine-fest, it’s in the upper 80s. Bad idea when you have to sit through 153 pages on a PC screen. On the upshot I read it quite fast considering the pirated .pdf I have is rather crappy and am forced to read it at 243% zoom as if I were Brenda Kerrigan.

Well I was really (not) impressed by the latest installment of the Twifuck saga- but I will say this, Smeyer’s editor Rebecca Davis probably threatened her with a lawsuit should she not be allowed to do her job because the first thing I noticed was the reduction of thesaurus assrape. This is not to say Smeyer doesn’t stick in unnecessary adjectives here and there (to look educated) AND some actual research took place! After a feeding frenzy where Bree’s coven wiped out an entire boatload of passengers coming down from BC on the Washington State Ferry, she correctly used metaphors when she called the coven barracudas because they are native to Puget Sound (I did some fact checking, something publishing companies believe gets in the way of their bottom line).

'Cause this is what Smeyer and the Twifucktards THINK they look like... and the bitch can't act worth a goddamn

Now shmeiliarockie did a wonderful review of this and I encourage you to go watch it, as well as her final installments of YAB. I could understand why she could give it a good rating, the pacing was faster and Smeyer didn’t waste time glossing over how beautiful characters were. Then again, this is lookist Smeyer we have here. Beauty is equated with good, and evil is on par with ugly. Regardless of what she claimed in the intro, we don’t really know how Bree looks like with the exception that she was a Mormonpire for 3 months, was 15-16 when she was turned, and that she had red eyes. Smeyer ultimately doesn’t really care about this character, she only pulled this turd out of her ass to make some more quick cash, to niggle the screenwriters, and to shut her critics and unsatisfied fans up because her brother that filters her fanmail has probably been bitching at her.

Smeyer’s first major mistake (aside from first sitting down to write) was the title. Back when public schools were slightly less shit I was instructed by my ninth grade English teacher, Ms. Warner, that lengthy titles were completely unnecessary. Two to four worded titles were preferred, using your creative juices to spit out a catchy and unusual title with the fewest words possible does tell a prospective agent a lot about the writer. Case in point, Kowloon Tong by Paul Theroux, one of my favorite novels about my most favorite place in the world. I mean, hasn’t Smeyer figured that out by now? She used it when she hawked her first set of crap! Oh wait… she’s a BYU alum, where she spent the majority of her time candlepassing and making fun of people without brand name clothes. Bree was uninteresting, but only less so than Bella. None of these characters were annoying (per se) but you felt no pathos, just a lot of frustration, teen angst and rebelliousness that Smeyer was channeling from her days as a young Mormon in the real world. Bree is attempting to confront her past and has lots of questions about who/what she is and is generally dissatisfied with the prepared answers she gets from a leader she once trusted. Utah has the highest percentage of anti-depressant use and Mormons have admitted that they are experts at avoiding their problems because one of their core tenets is perfection. An outward constant show of happiness is reaffirmation of their beliefs. If a TBM is expressing unhappiness, then the problem lies with shaken faith therefore results in shaky social relations within the cult.

This book should have been called Blood Before Meat, and it’s set between Relapse and Breaking Brains (I think). Now our leading Mormonpire Bree was a would-be-16-year-old battered runaway living on the streets hooking for food (they usually go for cash but Smeyer probably set Bree up on the lower rung of prostitute-dom because she’s so ugly) until she encounters beautiful, blond Riley (“Hey kid, want a cheeseburger?”) stake president of Bree’s undead marble people ward who then takes her to Victoria (Her) to be turned.

So Bree, swarthy Diego, Freaky Fred, and others are horsing around the darkened alleyways of downtown Seattle for some type O and after getting their fill of victims without families who therefore aren’t important won’t be missed (dregs) and causing some destruction Bree and Diego do a little shopping at the local closed mall (CDs and a dozen books) and Target (Hefty bags, Ziplocs, and backpacks). Now here’s what drives me nuts. Of course Bree being a female angsts over herself as the boys are infuriatingly overconfident. Then she does a typical Smeyer 180 and only starts feeling like a god when Diego says how smart she is and that Riley appreciates her for her brains as well. Well Bree and Diego are very young vampires, in fact Bree is only three months old and Diego a year, and according to Smeyer logic younger Mormonpires are stronger while older ones are weak. I’m sorry, but in almost all of the vampire novels I’ve read the lore was that the older you got, the stronger you were.

So Bree and Diego head back to the scene of the crime where a pile of bodies and wrecked cars lie in the middle of an intersection and proceed to cover their tracks. Now let me ask you something, why would a criminal carry a Zippo in a plastic bag? Well because it was stolen and is being handled to ensure that the former owner’s fingerprints stay on it so that when it’s being used by the (usually) gloved criminal, the evidence will point to the owner. But Diego isn’t wearing gloves and with Smeyer’s wonderful continuity the lighter becomes a match. Did you know that Mormonpire venom is also flammable?

So they try to beat the sunrise and race to the ward’s hideout deep in the Washington sticks where they occupy the basements of cabins that they know are owned by dead people. Apparently the ward of abused runaways they’re in are so insane they regularly burn down their hideouts (but no real fights are seen, just posturing), and this one was no exception. So Bree and Diego hide in some tunnels on the beach and as they form a secret ninja club becoming BFFs/eternal mates they start analyzing their stake president and get the feeling that he’s keeping some major info on the DL from everybody.

They believe in the “myth” that Riley drills into them that they’ll burn up in the sun and that they could be staked by humans until Diego tests this theory and finds out that they’re just a pair of walking disco balls (Smeyer actually wrote that). So they follow Riley to a quaint gingerbread cottage where they discover that he’s been knocking boots with Victoria and overhear their conversation/makeout session via Spider hearing that her big plans are set in motion. All of a sudden Bree and Diego spot the General Authority from The Vatican arriving in their hooded robes walking in a perfect diamond formation to confront Victoria. They speak in tongues warning her to set her invasion of The Cullens within five days or they’re KFC, Victoria gets pissy, Diego stays behind to talk to Riley ordering Bree to go back to the cabin just in time to see the stake prez return and pull a temper tantrum that pwns Edward’s because he included some amputations after seeing a smoking pile of Mormonpire remains (no explanation).

Eat this you sparkly nutsuckers!

Riley launches into an abusive tirade calling everybody a bunch of stupid assholes, and that they’ve got to get serious and start training to kill The Cullens who are devious weaker, older yellow-eyed Mormonpires. He promises them upon success of eradication of the enemy that they will get to rule the planet Seattle and a “dessert” upon the kill of Edward- we finally find out what happened to Bella’s red sweater. Bree is grouped with Freaky Fred (another gorgeous tall blond) where they make a little connection over rummy and train for a few days. Riley pulls Bree aside gives her a little cryptic message from Diego who says he will meet up with her after the battle, tells her not to give up on him, and reminds her that she’s one of his smart ones.

They set off to fight The Cullens, but Freaky Fred doesn’t feel the good vibrations and humps it to Vancouver when Riley told Bree that Diego has already made it to the staging area and he retreats. Bree can’t smell Diego anywhere figuring out that he was killed by Riley and Vicki and surrenders herself to Edward fighting off the urge to kill Bella. The GA arrive to interrogate Bree who tells them the whole of Riley’s lies and just before they make mincemeat out of her she telepathically tells Edward that the GA instructed them to attack under the penalty of excommunication.

The End.

Do ya think us gentiles are THAT stupid?!!

Need more proof?

THE DEVIN’S ADVOCATE: WHY BREAKING DAWN MUST BE MADE INTO A MOVIE

Twatter. Tprinces has a point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz96zHL0BIU

Tprinces has a point. All of my friends are on Twatter, Fuckbook, and/or My Shit. They break on me because I don’t. I don’t own a cell phone either, it’s fucking expensive, and unless it’s required for work I don’t really want to get one. Peter MacNichol’s character on Numb3rs referred to cell phones as “electronic leashes”. I agree. KCSCougar has some sweet animated shorts making fun of celebrity Tweets, my personal favorite is the Lady Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga one.

TYT reported that Kim Kardashian gets paid $50k per Tweet. That’s not only insane, but inappropriate and disgusting. She’s Kim Fucking Kardashian! Does she need any more money? I mean her dead father was a rep for O.J. Simpson! Her step-father is Olympic champion Bruce Jenner (did you know that he still gets royalties from his Wheaties boxes from over 30 years ago)! She does ads for the same burger chain Paris Hilton did! And now her fucking fiancee has just gotten a Super Bowl ring. Tell me, do you think this anorexic ho needs any more money?

So everybody on Twatter (including Michael Moore who I really respect), just to remind you, you’re not so fucking important that every second you need to report every insignificant thing that you do every day. And if you throw back in my face that I blog- fine. I don’t like it, it’s a cheap shot and you know it. BUT unlike Twatter, I get to rant and give my opinions on serious topics and stupid shit. On Twatter you have less than 200 characters to drop sound bites. Which seems more legit? Besides, if I ever get published and develop a following I’m going to have to do shit like this. Blogging/keeping a website is part of marketing, but my agent will more than likely tell me to reign in my opinions and watch my language.

Go fuck yourself. That’s what pseudonyms are for. Anyway, the worse you are, the more you sell. Just ask Howard Stern.

UPDATE (7/13/10): I hadn’t seen JIM’s You Tube page in a while. I think Foamy says it best: