Fifty Shades of Twifuck Fanfic Bullshit!

Now you understand why I only visit Barnes & Noble’s for the restroom.

Now even Wikipedia reported that Mrs. Erica Leonard uploaded Fifty Shades of Grey as Master of the Universe (I really fucking hate this bitch because she has destroyed the good names of He-Man and She-Ra!) Twifuck fanfic under the pseudonym of “Snowqueen’s Icedragon.” I found the .pdf and have skimmed over it, and let me tell you it is a 604-page assload of shit! At least the British wildebeest admitted she spewed it under the duress of a midlife crisis. As a fan of Anais Nin, Alina Reyes, and Anne Rice (before her Catlick reconversion) I can say this is unequivocally poorly written and poorly researched in the BDSM department. Perhaps she should’ve opened up communications with Sapio Slut and asked her a few questions concerning her relationship with her dom lover. OR she could’ve watched Cool Devices. Not that this had a chance in the seven circles of hell with proper research and editing.

How low can the publishing industry stoop? I did some research and looking at a Blogger link for the MOTU fic-shit, in 2010 all these screaming Twifuck teen and cougar idiots gave the fic 40,000 gay disco ball sparkling reviews. I guess Mrs. Leonard took her experience as a British TV exec decided to do what the entertainment industry does best: rehash, repackage, and re-release. In 3-D. Incidentally Erica is Chilean/Scottish, married to somebody who’s as mental as she is, attended the University of Kent and majored in HISTORY before getting her first real job as a studio manager’s assistant at the National Film and Television School in London. Oh yeah, I’m sure she’s done a fuckload of writing…

Incidentally, her publisher is The Writer’s Coffee Shop (which is formatted a bit like Ellora’s Cave), be sure to read the submission guidelines, and remember, anybody can be a writer. It doesn’t matter if you’re not any good… And if you need an agent ring up Valerie Hoskins since she did such a good job with Erica!

Valerie Hoskins Associates
20 Charlotte Street
London
W1T 2NA

email: info@vhassociates.co.uk

phone: 020 7637 4490

REGISTERED ADDRESS
Valerie Hoskins Associates Limited
8 The Glasshouse
49A Goldhawk Road
London
W12 8QP

REGISTERED NUMBER 2435715

P.S. They might be optioning this for a screenplay. Your best bet into what this pile of fuck might look like, DL The Secretary.

P.P.S. If you have any questions regarding the .pdf email me.

“Music is disposable now. It doesn’t have the emotional impact anymore. That’s sad.” – Bob Welch (1945-2012), Fleetwood Mac guitarist.

Scene of the Twi-crime

“This world is full of flaws.” – Boogiepop (Miyashita Touka), Boogiepop Doesn’t Laugh.

Like the new theme? I figured since it’s been six moths since I started this thing I might as well update the look. And I also recategorized my links (they were in such disarray) so you’ll be able to navigate them easier. Anyhow while I was out and about I thought I’d pay Jodi Viper a visit (not really, my stalking skills aren’t as good as Eddiekins’ or Smeyer’s) so I took a few pics with my DSi of Writer’s House:

Den of literary devils

The scene of the Twi-crime

Graffiti here

They're not even good enough to be called "House of Pancakes"

Run for your life Jodi Viper!

Must be a vampire address vanishing in the sunlight and all...

These pics were taken as of today (7/12/10) and I know that the DSi isn’t the best of digital cameras, take a look the last image. Notice anything interesting? That wasn’t there a few weeks ago when I last passed by, and I can only think that they put the little strip of camo over the addy because of crazed Twifucktards trying to get a peek at their LDS goddess and other idiots coming by with their bullshit expecting a multi-million dollar contract. But if you want the address for either your rotten tomatoes or manuscripts, here it is:

21 West 26th Street
New York, NY 10010-1083
(212) 685-2400

And Jodi Reamer’s contact info (I can only image in number of death threats in her inbox):

Writers House
21 West 26th St.
New York, NY 10010
United States
Phone: (212) 685-2400
Fax: (212) 685-1781

Response Times

responses fastest slowest average
Overall 28 38 days 238 days 61 days
Email 5 0 days 66 days 46 days
Postal Mail 20 38 days 238 days 74 days
Other/ Unspecified 3 0 days 0 days 0 days

Responses

initial follow -up overall
Offers 0 0 0
Requests 2 0 2
Rejected 24 3 24
Withdrawn 2 0 2
There are 50 submissions currently awaiting response.
Hope this helps with your submission process! And don’t forget:
Can you suck some mountain lion blood tonight...
Only Emma Hale and Joseph Smith’s love rival theirs (Fanny Alger included!)

I mean, what the crack, people? You couldn't figure this one out?

Whatever you do, DON'T look into her eyes!

A footnote about Jodi Reamer

I really should edit this into my last rant from a few days back. But I think Jodi Viper- uh Reamer, deserves her own entry.

What is an agent? Well an agent is basically an attorney, specifically a commercial litigator. My cousin and his wife are both commercial litigators who work for a firm on Lexington Avenue- a fuckload of money and prestige if you’re lucky to work in that zip code (especially if you’re prostitute). Commercial litigators speak the necessary legalese to draw up contracts and do negotiations. They spend very little time in an actual courtroom.

But believe it or not, they make more money when they go into representation. Actors, singers, dancers, artists, and athletes agents are all attorneys. These agents are real bloodsuckers (pun intended) who are only interested in getting their commission, be it 10%, 15%, or 25% of whatever their client is going to get paid. For 14 years Jodi Reamer has been a part of Writers House, LLC, one of the oldest and most prestigious literary agencies  in the business (located right here in NYC, 21 West 26th Street). If you’re a greenhorn and need a rep, it’s highly recommended, but don’t expect anything. These people are elitists and are only interested in what makes THEM the most money.

She has a couple names besides SMeyer under her belt that I recognize: Bruce Campbell, If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a “B” Movie Actor and Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation. Now if you love The Evil Dead and Brisco County Jr. as much as I do, then you know Brucie is one of the Olympian gods of B-movies. Everybody knows him from something, his movies, short-lived/failed sitcoms, and recurring role on Hercules. His first auto-bio was phenomenal. He was hilarious, honest, self-depreciating, grateful, wistful, and tells it like it is if you’re a wannabe actor or filmmaker. Reamer knew it was an instant sell. Maybe not on the NYT bestsellers list, but a cult hit nonetheless.

Now I know little about Crusie, except Mom bought her book Welcome to Temptation (she likes the romantic crap) and when she was done she let me have a go. Aside from me being sick and laughing a whole bunch, I could see why this too was a sell. Sophie Dempsey is a Mary Sue. Sexually repressed (a string of horrific boyfriends and fucked-up sexcapades), cute, smart as a whip, down-to-earth, and a terrific mother figure she comes into the town Temptation as a screenwriter (couldn’t afford college but so inexplicably gifted) with her hippy-dippy baby sis Amy to film what is tantamount to a soft-core porn flick. In she meets super-de-duper Gary Stu, Phin Tucker. University grad, owner of the town’s bookstore, mayor, major beefcake, and single dad of the cutest little girl who takes to Sophie in an instant. Did I also mention that his former MIL is the richest woman in town who wants to control everything through her ex-SIL and will stop at nothing to keep Sophie and Phin apart? Oh yeah and he practically fucks her right in the living room not 48 hours after meeting her.

Of course WTT was a sell. It parlays to every 25 to 40+ woman who hates herself, because they can identify with Sophie (mostly due to the fact that they’re social failures who typically redirect all the blame on the guy when the “relationship” goes down the shitter). While she has a “personality” it’s bland, and I’m sure every woman has an embarrassing teen sex story to tell. But why in hell would you run screaming from the sexiest thing in town who wants nothing but to chain you to his bed and fuck you through the floor (oh, and that shower “sex scene” was disgusting because who could fuck with all that mildew on the curtain)? The only thing worse than that was Hands: An Erotic Romance by W.H. Bossert, but that was plain insulting (and obviously published through POD).

So if you’re an anti-Twatlighter or a frustrated writer who can’t sell their 44th manuscript for dick, you now have an idea of what you’re up against.

The world has been invaded by idiots. Or were they always here?

How a mistake led to a best-seller

WSJ: The Death of The Slush Pile

Think I'm lying Twifucktards?