The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner

"I like myself so much better now!" (Runs off to spend her millions)

Throw another city on the barbie Buddha, it went into the triple digits out here in the Big Apple. And as I write this review on the latest Smeyer crackcaine-fest, it’s in the upper 80s. Bad idea when you have to sit through 153 pages on a PC screen. On the upshot I read it quite fast considering the pirated .pdf I have is rather crappy and am forced to read it at 243% zoom as if I were Brenda Kerrigan.

Well I was really (not) impressed by the latest installment of the Twifuck saga- but I will say this, Smeyer’s editor Rebecca Davis probably threatened her with a lawsuit should she not be allowed to do her job because the first thing I noticed was the reduction of thesaurus assrape. This is not to say Smeyer doesn’t stick in unnecessary adjectives here and there (to look educated) AND some actual research took place! After a feeding frenzy where Bree’s coven wiped out an entire boatload of passengers coming down from BC on the Washington State Ferry, she correctly used metaphors when she called the coven barracudas because they are native to Puget Sound (I did some fact checking, something publishing companies believe gets in the way of their bottom line).

'Cause this is what Smeyer and the Twifucktards THINK they look like... and the bitch can't act worth a goddamn

Now shmeiliarockie did a wonderful review of this and I encourage you to go watch it, as well as her final installments of YAB. I could understand why she could give it a good rating, the pacing was faster and Smeyer didn’t waste time glossing over how beautiful characters were. Then again, this is lookist Smeyer we have here. Beauty is equated with good, and evil is on par with ugly. Regardless of what she claimed in the intro, we don’t really know how Bree looks like with the exception that she was a Mormonpire for 3 months, was 15-16 when she was turned, and that she had red eyes. Smeyer ultimately doesn’t really care about this character, she only pulled this turd out of her ass to make some more quick cash, to niggle the screenwriters, and to shut her critics and unsatisfied fans up because her brother that filters her fanmail has probably been bitching at her.

Smeyer’s first major mistake (aside from first sitting down to write) was the title. Back when public schools were slightly less shit I was instructed by my ninth grade English teacher, Ms. Warner, that lengthy titles were completely unnecessary. Two to four worded titles were preferred, using your creative juices to spit out a catchy and unusual title with the fewest words possible does tell a prospective agent a lot about the writer. Case in point, Kowloon Tong by Paul Theroux, one of my favorite novels about my most favorite place in the world. I mean, hasn’t Smeyer figured that out by now? She used it when she hawked her first set of crap! Oh wait… she’s a BYU alum, where she spent the majority of her time candlepassing and making fun of people without brand name clothes. Bree was uninteresting, but only less so than Bella. None of these characters were annoying (per se) but you felt no pathos, just a lot of frustration, teen angst and rebelliousness that Smeyer was channeling from her days as a young Mormon in the real world. Bree is attempting to confront her past and has lots of questions about who/what she is and is generally dissatisfied with the prepared answers she gets from a leader she once trusted. Utah has the highest percentage of anti-depressant use and Mormons have admitted that they are experts at avoiding their problems because one of their core tenets is perfection. An outward constant show of happiness is reaffirmation of their beliefs. If a TBM is expressing unhappiness, then the problem lies with shaken faith therefore results in shaky social relations within the cult.

This book should have been called Blood Before Meat, and it’s set between Relapse and Breaking Brains (I think). Now our leading Mormonpire Bree was a would-be-16-year-old battered runaway living on the streets hooking for food (they usually go for cash but Smeyer probably set Bree up on the lower rung of prostitute-dom because she’s so ugly) until she encounters beautiful, blond Riley (“Hey kid, want a cheeseburger?”) stake president of Bree’s undead marble people ward who then takes her to Victoria (Her) to be turned.

So Bree, swarthy Diego, Freaky Fred, and others are horsing around the darkened alleyways of downtown Seattle for some type O and after getting their fill of victims without families who therefore aren’t important won’t be missed (dregs) and causing some destruction Bree and Diego do a little shopping at the local closed mall (CDs and a dozen books) and Target (Hefty bags, Ziplocs, and backpacks). Now here’s what drives me nuts. Of course Bree being a female angsts over herself as the boys are infuriatingly overconfident. Then she does a typical Smeyer 180 and only starts feeling like a god when Diego says how smart she is and that Riley appreciates her for her brains as well. Well Bree and Diego are very young vampires, in fact Bree is only three months old and Diego a year, and according to Smeyer logic younger Mormonpires are stronger while older ones are weak. I’m sorry, but in almost all of the vampire novels I’ve read the lore was that the older you got, the stronger you were.

So Bree and Diego head back to the scene of the crime where a pile of bodies and wrecked cars lie in the middle of an intersection and proceed to cover their tracks. Now let me ask you something, why would a criminal carry a Zippo in a plastic bag? Well because it was stolen and is being handled to ensure that the former owner’s fingerprints stay on it so that when it’s being used by the (usually) gloved criminal, the evidence will point to the owner. But Diego isn’t wearing gloves and with Smeyer’s wonderful continuity the lighter becomes a match. Did you know that Mormonpire venom is also flammable?

So they try to beat the sunrise and race to the ward’s hideout deep in the Washington sticks where they occupy the basements of cabins that they know are owned by dead people. Apparently the ward of abused runaways they’re in are so insane they regularly burn down their hideouts (but no real fights are seen, just posturing), and this one was no exception. So Bree and Diego hide in some tunnels on the beach and as they form a secret ninja club becoming BFFs/eternal mates they start analyzing their stake president and get the feeling that he’s keeping some major info on the DL from everybody.

They believe in the “myth” that Riley drills into them that they’ll burn up in the sun and that they could be staked by humans until Diego tests this theory and finds out that they’re just a pair of walking disco balls (Smeyer actually wrote that). So they follow Riley to a quaint gingerbread cottage where they discover that he’s been knocking boots with Victoria and overhear their conversation/makeout session via Spider hearing that her big plans are set in motion. All of a sudden Bree and Diego spot the General Authority from The Vatican arriving in their hooded robes walking in a perfect diamond formation to confront Victoria. They speak in tongues warning her to set her invasion of The Cullens within five days or they’re KFC, Victoria gets pissy, Diego stays behind to talk to Riley ordering Bree to go back to the cabin just in time to see the stake prez return and pull a temper tantrum that pwns Edward’s because he included some amputations after seeing a smoking pile of Mormonpire remains (no explanation).

Eat this you sparkly nutsuckers!

Riley launches into an abusive tirade calling everybody a bunch of stupid assholes, and that they’ve got to get serious and start training to kill The Cullens who are devious weaker, older yellow-eyed Mormonpires. He promises them upon success of eradication of the enemy that they will get to rule the planet Seattle and a “dessert” upon the kill of Edward- we finally find out what happened to Bella’s red sweater. Bree is grouped with Freaky Fred (another gorgeous tall blond) where they make a little connection over rummy and train for a few days. Riley pulls Bree aside gives her a little cryptic message from Diego who says he will meet up with her after the battle, tells her not to give up on him, and reminds her that she’s one of his smart ones.

They set off to fight The Cullens, but Freaky Fred doesn’t feel the good vibrations and humps it to Vancouver when Riley told Bree that Diego has already made it to the staging area and he retreats. Bree can’t smell Diego anywhere figuring out that he was killed by Riley and Vicki and surrenders herself to Edward fighting off the urge to kill Bella. The GA arrive to interrogate Bree who tells them the whole of Riley’s lies and just before they make mincemeat out of her she telepathically tells Edward that the GA instructed them to attack under the penalty of excommunication.

The End.

Do ya think us gentiles are THAT stupid?!!

Need more proof?

THE DEVIN’S ADVOCATE: WHY BREAKING DAWN MUST BE MADE INTO A MOVIE

Let the Right One In

Movie review time kiddies! Get out the popcorn, turn down the lights, and if someone knocks, be sure to tell them to come in because you never know how much of a special snowflake they might be.

Let the Right One In is 2008 Swedish romantic horror film directed by Tomas Alfredson, adapted from the novel of the same name by John Ajvide Lindqvist. It’s the mid-’70s in the suburb of Blackeberg outside of Stockholm, and 12-year-old Oskar is playacting Jeffrey Dahmer-style. No I don’t mean man-raping and zombie-making, but brandishing a hunting knife in his room growling threats to the visualized school bullies making his life a living hell. Meanwhile a middle-aged man has just moved into the apartment next door, redecorating with cardboard and thick curtains over the windows…

After being whipped by the school prick Conny (must be pissed over his parents’ choice of faggoty name) Oskar is spending his evening outside his apartment block’s courtyard stabbing a tree to death when he’s disrupted by a strange girl with bad fashion taste and hygiene issues.

“Do you live here?” Oskar asks.

“Yeah… right here in this jungle gym.” She jumps down onto the thick carpet of snow effortlessly. Her name is Eli, a 200-year-old (forever 12) vampire girl. But just to let you know, she’s never going to be Oskar’s friend. Not. Now if I wanted to compare I’d say Eli was Anne Rice’s Claudia gone wrong, but that’s what makes her even cooler. The idea of making use of an oft-forgotten bit of vampire lore (having to invite him/her in before snacking) as a metaphor for Eli’s and Oskar’s lives and relationship was delightfully original.

The vampire genre has been inundated with sparkles, teen wangst, and homicidal fangirls, LTROI has been a frigid breath of fresh air. But my fellow purists (and sane people) hold that sigh of relief because LTROI is up for an American adaptation. As if H’wood hasn’t wrecked The Eye, Dark Water, and Ring series enough. Now I’m ordering the book as I write this, but I’ve already checked out the spoilers and while the novelist did the script adaption he left out the pedophilic relationship between Eli and her companion Håkan (an unavoidable situation for Oskar should Eli not turn him), minor events, and characters were omitted.

LTROI gets 4 out of 5 demon signs up. This isn’t my first European foreign film, I expected nudity and bodily functions to be included. So just to warn the faint of heart (or crazed conservatives) there is a 5 second glimpse of an 11-year-old’s pussy. But I hardly think that a little girl dropping from trees and living like a feral house cat would be stimulating.

P.S. I’d like to give a shout to Tprinces because if it wasn’t for her, I’d taking up self-mutilation when the torrent sites get slammed by New Moan fucktards.